Some people believe that it is the resposibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that governments should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Health is one of the most fundamental rights of human beings. Some people argue that consuming a healthy menu is a personal authority,
while
others believe that the authority should lend a hand to monitor it. This
essay will discuss both statements and why I side with the latter.
On one hand, each individual's body is different from others, hence
why everyone should have the awareness to sustain healthy diets so that they will be more protected from illnesses. For example
, a menu for a middle-aged man who mostly does physical labour is relatively different from a high school girl's as their nutritional needs are different from each other. Thus
, what is healthy for one does not mean it is healthy for the other and it is an individual responsibility to take care of it.
Nonetheless
, the government also
bears a duty to make certain that its citizens get an equal diet fulfilment as not everybody has access to expensive nutritious groceries. For instance
, the government of Indonesia made a program where lower-middle-income citizens are able to get free essential groceries, namely palm oil, flour, rice, noodles, eggs, and milk, which helps them access a healthy menu. Consequently
, the authorities' interference is much needed to ensure the citizens' well-being by helping those in need to access nutrition intake.
To summarise, the nutritional needs of society are vastly diverse, hence
why they have to take care of themselves, yet help from the government is also
very needed to ensure that goal is achieved. Furthermore
, if the authority does not interfere and provide affordable nutritious ingredients for the
society, they will hardly obtain a collective prime health condition.Correct article usage
apply
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task achievement
Make sure you fully address all parts of the task. While both views were discussed, the opinion was not clearly stated at the beginning. Be explicit about your stance early in the essay to better guide the reader.
task achievement
While some key points were made, more could have been done to clarify and develop these ideas. Include more detailed reasoning to justify your opinion and present more specific examples that support your arguments.
task achievement
The use of examples is good, but make sure they are directly relevant to your argument. Some examples lacked depth and detail that would have made your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
You have demonstrated the ability to sequence information and ideas logically. Continue to refine your connectives and transitions for a smoother flow. Moreover, ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence to guide reader's understanding.
coherence cohesion
The structure of the essay is relatively clear, with both an introduction and a conclusion. To improve, ensure that your conclusion not only summarizes the essay but also reflects upon and restates your opinion more emphatically.
coherence cohesion
You provided support for your main points, but at times the support was general rather than specific. Develop each main point with more in-depth analysis and varied sentence structures for a richer and more articulate essay.