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Band 4

in some countries, younger people are neglecting their right to vote. what problems does this cause and what are some of possible solutions?

#countries #people #right #vote
In recent years, some young
people
 tend to neglect their chance to vote, especially for choosing their governor or even president.
This
 occurs because of several preconditions and some
solutions
 must be done to solve
this
 problem. Nowadays, youngsters have become more aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 the development of their countries. They will react wisely
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 every problem that happens in their areas, specifically how they use their
right
 to vote
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 leader. They often do not use their opportunity for voting their leader
due to
 several causes.
Firstly
, they think that the candidates do not have any
solutions
 for their country. In their perspective, there are a lot of problems that must be solved by the government, but the candidates of the leader do not offer prominent
solutions
. So, they prefer to neglect their
right
for voting
Change preposition
to vote
show examples
 them.
Secondly
, young
people
 are busy pursuing their
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
,
while
for using
Change preposition
to use
show examples
 their
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
, they have to go to their hometown with several
administration
Replace the word
administrative
show examples
 needs. They prefer to stay in their place because they think that there are so many documents and
procedure
Fix the agreement mistake
procedures
show examples
 which will kill a lot of their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
.
However
, there are some
solutions
 to fix those aforementioned problems.
Firstly
,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 or local councils can hold a campaign to encourage young
people
 to use their
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
. They can state that the development of the country depends on the next generations.
Next,
education
also
 has a vital role
to lead
Change preposition
in leading
show examples
 young
people
 to be more aware
about
Change the preposition
of
show examples
 how can the president or governor affect their future
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 in
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 and
further
 education.
School
Add an article
The school
show examples
 has to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
 that their students know about the importance of using their rights.
To conclude
, there are some causes that lead youngster to neglect their
right
 to vote and those can be solved by several
solutions
.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the given topic and provides both problems and solutions, however, the ideas need to be developed further and your examples could be more specific and relevant.
coherence cohesion
The organization of the essay is somewhat unclear, and the flow between paragraphs is lacking. It's important to make logical connections between your ideas and use cohesive devices to improve readability.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • democratic process
  • political instability
  • skewed representation
  • governance
  • erosion
  • civic education
  • alienation
  • policy-making
  • accessible
  • incentives
What to do next:
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