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Band 4

More and more children are becoming obese. What are the causes of this and what are the solutions?

#children
Being
over
Correct your spelling
overweight
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weight
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 hot topic in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent times and it is widespread mostly
in
Change preposition
among
show examples
 young
children
. There are several reasons contributing to
this
 problem
as well as
 drastic
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 effects. The first problem is a lot of
children
 eating fatty
foods
 and junk
foods
. It is unhealthy for
organism
Fix the agreement mistake
organisms
show examples
. When they are eating fatty
foods
 they are becoming obese. It is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
 their heart. The more junk food
children
 eat, the more it will injurious their health. Eating too much fatty and unhealthy food from a young age leads to
obesity
 and
children
 obese. Being overweight in
children
 can put them
an
Change preposition
in an
show examples
 increasingly difficult situation and cause
obesity
 in
children
 can shorten their lifespan, as some
children
 may die young
due to
 excessive fat
accumlation
Correct your spelling
accumulation
. Dieting to lose
weight
 is one solution to lose
weight
 but there are
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
more solutions. First of
all
Add a comma
all,
show examples
 to lose
weight
 you need to eat more fruits and vegetables,
this
 will help you maintain a
helathy
Correct your spelling
healthy
 figure. A person should stop eating fatty
foods
 and drink more water. A fat person should go jogging and exercise every day. In order to lose
weight
, it is necessary to stop eating junk food. Learning a healthy lifestyle is one way to lose
weight
 easily but
also
 some people prefer to lose
weight
 with surgery which is very painful and expensive. Eating only fresh fruits for young
children
 will help them to have a healthy and beautiful figure in the future. Prevention of
obesity
 in young
children
 depends primarily on
a family members
Correct the article-noun agreement
family members
a family member
show examples
. If they teach proper and healthy eating habits to their
children
 or loved
onese
Correct your spelling
ones
, the likelihood that young
children
 will consume harmful products in the future will decrease. In conclusion,
obesity
 in young
children
 can cause them various problems, and the solution is to follow a healthy lifestyle from childhood.
Submitted by omondavlat91 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates limited coherence and cohesion. Ideas are not logically sequenced, and paragraphs are not effectively organized. The use of cohesive devices is minimal, and paragraphing is inadequate. To improve, focus on establishing a clear logical flow by using a variety of cohesive devices. Each paragraph should contain one main idea with supporting sentences that are clearly related to the topic. You should aim to construct your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion that are all clearly distinguishable.
task achievement
Your essay partially addresses the task. However, task response is limited as there are instances where the answer moves off-topic with generalized and at times unrelated statements. Examples given are also not specific enough to sufficiently illustrate your points. To improve, ensure that every point made directly relates to the question prompt. Offer detailed and specific examples rather than broad, unsupported statements. Develop your ideas fully to meet task requirements and stay on topic throughout.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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