IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Many people think that there should be a law against kids coming out of their house after dark. Explain both views and give your opinion.

#people #law #kids #house
The
world
 is no longer safe during the
night
 for
children
. Whilst people claim that in order to protect
kids
 a law should be exerted on families to suspend their
children
 from going out during the
night
 hours, others hold an opposite view. To my mind, imposing
such
 a prohibitive law on
kids
 is akin to a double-edged sword;
while
 it protects them from potential dangers at
night
, it will
also
 limit their liberty. First and foremost, banning toddlers from being outside of their house after dark can indeed protect them from the perils of the outside
world
. Since a majority of crimes are committed during the
night
, juveniles are perceived as vulnerable targets by predators. By having a well-established law in court, it keeps
kids
 out of unknown dangers of the outside
world
 which is full of violence in the present.
For instance
,
children
 will be free of any outside
world
 dangers in dark hours because they will be locked up at their homes, suppressed by the legal rights of their parents. To achieve even higher safety results, monetary penalties can
also
 be put into operation to be executed by lawmakers and parents.
On the other hand
, limiting the freedom of
children
 can
also
 lead to diseases like serious depression and anxiety disorders among them.
Furthermore
, as time goes by, they might feel like prisoners convicted at home, absence of the ability to go outside at their own whim. Adolescents are leaning towards becoming less perspicacious individuals compared to their peers who have already undergone the challenges of nightlife,
thus
, overshadowing others who fell short of
this
 unique yet significant experience. In conclusion,
although
 enforcing people to preclude their
kids
 from going outside at
night
 significantly decreases the chances of
kids
 encountering harmful situations, still it will cause them to be deprived of critical skills that could save their lives.
Submitted by orkhanshamil on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical structure by presenting your ideas in a more organized way, using clear topic sentences and transition words to guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear thesis statement in your introduction to present your viewpoint upfront, which helps guide the reader through your subsequent arguments.
coherence cohesion
Support each main point with specific examples or data to strengthen your argument and provide concrete evidence for your claims.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring you provide a balanced discussion of both views before clearly stating your own opinion.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are clear and comprehensive, leaving no room for ambiguity or confusion about your viewpoint or analysis.
task achievement
Use relevant, specific examples to illustrate your points and to show a deeper understanding of the topic. Avoid overgeneralization or hypothetical situations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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