IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many parents and schools can see the benefits of using
smartphones
Use synonyms
 to support
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s learning process.
However
Linking Words
, introducing
such
Linking Words
development
Use synonyms
 to
children
Use synonyms
 leads to them using it on a daily basis. In my view,
this
Linking Words
 should be perceived as a negative
development
Use synonyms
 since
smartphones
Use synonyms
 can affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s cognitive
development
Use synonyms
as well as
Linking Words
 their physical well-being.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it will reduce
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s attention span.
This
Linking Words
 is because almost all of the entertainment content in social media is frequently produced creatively in
form
Correct article usage
the form
show examples
 of short videos.
For example
Linking Words
, the videos on Tikok or Instagram are truly engaging with millions of options to see. In that way,
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
watching
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
it repeatedly every day can badly influence
childrens’
Change noun form
children’s
show examples
 attention as they are more indulged
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 seeing short-term information which
as a result
Linking Words
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them find it hard to read longer
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 without any interesting graphic decorations.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the bad impact
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 overusing
smartphones
Use synonyms
 can
also
Linking Words
 be seen physically. Every digital
devices
Change to a singular noun
device
show examples
, including
smartphones
Use synonyms
, contains high exposure
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 radiation rays which can seriously affect our eyes to suffer from near-sigthtnessed.
Although
Linking Words
 it is a common disease to everyone,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
allowing
children
Use synonyms
 to get much exposure
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 radiation will higher the chance
to rely
Change preposition
of relying
show examples
 on optical
eye-glasses
Correct your spelling
eyeglasses
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 an early age.
To conclude
Linking Words
, I strongly believe that these reasons outweigh the advantages of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
smartphones
Change the noun form
smartphone
show examples
 usage to
children
Use synonyms
. Not only that
smartphones
Use synonyms
 hinder the crucial part
during
Change preposition
of
show examples
 cognitive
development
Use synonyms
 by reducing the attention span,
yet
Correct word choice
but
show examples
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
’s eyesight will definitely be affected by radiation rays. To tackle
this
Linking Words
, the role of parents as the closest family members is somewhat crucial in setting boundaries regarding daily digital usage
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. Your introduction sets the stage well, but the concluding paragraph could be enhanced by summarizing the main points more effectively and restating the thesis.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow of your paragraphs. While your ideas are mostly well-organized, there are occasional abrupt transitions that can make the essay slightly difficult to follow. Using a wider range of linking phrases could help with smooth progression between points.
task achievement
Continue to support your main points with specific examples or experiences. Your current examples could be strengthened with more detailed elaboration to make the argument more persuasive.
task achievement
Be mindful of staying balanced in your response by acknowledging the opposing viewpoint, even if briefly. This can demonstrate a deeper level of analysis and understanding of the question.
task achievement
Pay attention to your essay length; aim for a more developed main body that can fully explore your ideas and include counterarguments where appropriate.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: