Discuss your academic and non-academic achievements (for undergraduate and vocational student), and industrial experience (for vocational student only) including the process and skills involved in your previous or current degree program!
“Just try it.”
This
mindset accompanies me whenever I want to explore and try something new. I achieved second place as an Exemplary Student of Universitas Pancasila, which can be seen as a result
of my journey. Actively participating in volunteering since 2022 has developed my self-development skills. However
, my turning back point happened in July 2023. At that time, Kompetisi Debat Mahasiswa Indonesia (KDMI) 2023 was opened, and I was intrigued to try new things. I almost gave up because I had never done a debate before. Armed with a mindset of “just try,” I successfully faced various changes until the final selection. I expanded the perspective that I never paid attention to and combined it with many possible aspects to build my motion’s argument
. My critical thinking and decision-making were also
developed due to
the short time I had to build the argument
.
Afterward
, I was accepted as the debater assistance team and responsible as an Change the spelling
Afterwards
argument
developer. I successfully assisted the debater’s training in argument
development until the quarterfinal. Consequently
, debate enhanced my public speaking and encouraged me to become the Y20 X Y7 roadshow’s MC. I led the event’s flow with approximately 80 participants in Bandung. I trained my articulation and intonation in communicating and researched how to engage the audience. However
, my family often asked me if I wanted to do this
. After contemplating, I decided to try it first,
and it was the best decision in my life to participate in KDMI and Y20 X Y7.
In short, after various significant events that forge
me happen in my life, I achieved the “Unggulan Scholarship” in 2023 and second place as an Exemplary Student. Verb problem
made
Additionally
, I have established mentoring for students at my university and successfully assisted three mentees to be accepted into international organizations within three months. As a result
, my leadership skills, program management, and interpersonal communication have strengthened. I want Indonesian youth to believe they can achieve something by trying it.Submitted by sidneynatasha16 on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your essay already shows a good structure but could benefit from a more explicit introduction that outlines the purpose of the essay and a conclusion that summarizes the main points discussed.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices (linking words and phrases) to help the reader follow the progression of ideas. While you are using some, increasing the variety can enhance the readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with additional details and explanations where possible. While you have provided examples to support your achievements, further analysis and reflection may demonstrate deeper critical thinking and make your essay more persuasive.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that each idea is explored adequately before moving on to the next. Your essay sometimes jumps quickly from one idea to another which can challenge the reader's understanding.
task achievement
Strive to answer the question fully. It appears that some of the essay focused on personal development and achievements without explicitly discussing the academic or non-academic nature or detailing the industrial experience for vocational students.
task achievement
In discussing achievements and experiences, clearly distinguish between academic and non-academic aspects, and add more about the specific processes and skills involved in your degree program or vocational training, which was not sufficiently covered in your essay.
task achievement
To elevate the task achievement score, ensure all components of the prompt are addressed comprehensively. In this case, elaborating on the industrial experience would provide a complete picture respecting the prompt for vocational students.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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