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Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

State your opinion. Should kids be given phones at a young age?

#kids #phones #age
In recent times it has been debatable
that
Correct word choice
whether
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 should young
children
 have access to mobile phones. We are now living in a technological era whereby almost accessible
from
Change preposition
with
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 a click of
button
Add an article
a button
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, so in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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children
 should be given phones. We are now in an internet revolution
therefore
 stationary public telephones are no longer
availabe
Correct your spelling
available
. With that being said adolescents should have
cellphones
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cell phones
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 as a means of communication
moreover
 they can be used in doing some school work through
google
Capitalize word
Google
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 searches. For
instances
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instance
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, kids can get in touch with their parents in times of emergency like
been
Wrong verb form
being
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 stuck in a storm. Cellphones are
also
 a source of entertainment for
children
in addition
a
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to a
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means of security as they provide youngsters
location
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with location
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 at all times providing guardians with
a
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apply
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peace of mind.
On the other hand
, they can used to access dark websites which can
a
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apply
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lead to the development of bad behaviours at a young age. Websites with pornography or violent crimes if accessed by juveniles
they
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apply
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impact their behaviours leading to engaging in
such
 activities at a tender age. With mobiles,
children
 are
also
 in danger of
interact
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interacting
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 with
peophiles
Correct your spelling
people
 or traffickers.
To conclude
, kids should be given mobiles
however
 parents should have
restriction
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restrictions
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 on
the
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their
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 usage i.e they
sholud
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should
 limit screen time.
Other measures
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Another measure
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 that can be put in place is blocking adult content websites
moreover
, they should monitor
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 phones remotely checking who is in touch with their kids.
Submitted by mj on

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Coherence & Cohesion
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Coherence & Cohesion
Include an introduction and conclusion that clearly present your thesis and summarize your main arguments to make your essay feel complete.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support each main point with relevant examples and explanations to strengthen the argument. Aim to link ideas logically and use cohesive devices to help ideas flow together.
Task Achievement
Ensure each part of the essay prompt is completely addressed to achieve a full response. Expand on each idea to create a comprehensive argument.
Task Achievement
Clarify and elaborate on your ideas to make sure they are comprehensive and fully developed. Avoid superficial coverage of the topic.
Task Achievement
Provide specific, detailed examples to back up your points, rather than just stating generalizations. Examples should be directly relevant and well-explained.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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