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Band 7

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Many younglings spend
hours
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 each day on their mobile
phones
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. The main reason behind
this
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 case is the addictive nature of smartphone
applications
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. I believe that
this
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 is a huge negative development for
children
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 because they become unsocial individuals which may affect their happiness.
To begin
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 with, the primary cause of
children
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 spending
hours
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 every day on their
phones
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 is the addictive native of the
applications
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in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 these
phones
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. These
applications
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 aim to make money through advertisements and they need users to make these advertisements visible.
Thus
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, they develop these
applications
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 in a way that makes them addictive in order to make money.
Children
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 are more likely to be attracted because of their natural curiosity.
For example
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, the Chinese government has banned application developers from creating
applications
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 in an addictive manner in order to prevent
children
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 from becoming addicted to their
phones
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.
Furthermore
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, I believe that it is a negative development because it makes
children
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 unsocial.
Children
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 need to socialize with their friends rather than looking a blue screen all day in order to have healthy relationships with humans.
This
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 is because they gain experience by socializing and learn how to make bonds with people which makes them happy in life.
According to
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 recent research that has been done at Harvard University, the
children
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 who spend
hours
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 on the phone become more unhappy, than the younglings who spend these
hours
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 socializing. Briefly, it is crystal clear that it is very harmful to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
Use synonyms
 because it makes them non-social.
To conclude
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, the primary reason
children
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 spend too much time on mobile
phones
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 is related to the addictive nature of the
applications
Use synonyms
 and I am of the opinion
that is
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 it a huge negative development because causing
children
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 to become unsocial.
Submitted by edzcls on

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task achievement
Develop your ideas more fully by adding another example or a counter-argument to provide balance.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to link your ideas more clearly.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea and that the supporting sentences are directly related to it.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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