IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Topic: Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extents do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#topic #women #childcare #men #focus #children #life #extents
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The heated debate over whether females should focus less on career development has become increasingly controversial. Personally, I concur with
this
 statement to a limited extent.
This
 essay argues against the deprival career development of
women
, as in the aspect of work-life balance and parental responsibility. Many individuals emphasize the incapability of
women
 working in industries
due to
 the unwelcoming policies of companies.
Nonetheless
,
this
 is never the case for all. Business corporates nowadays, namely Walt Disney, adopt a myriad of family-friendly policy implementations,
such
 as work-from-home or family holidays. As long as the industries reach a consensual agreement with mothers on the working hours and labour division, there should be no legitimate reason for the deprivation of career development.
Additionally
, looking from a childcare perspective, raising children should be a shared responsibility between
the
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both parents but the sole dependence on mothers. Research presented emotionally- functioning families are efforts spearheaded by both mothers and fathers. To put an illustration, dads can watch television programmes or assist children with their homework,
while
 the females run family errands, purchase groceries or cook a meal.
Nevertheless
, leaving a job of raising a child solely to a mother may lead to backfire effects thanks to a lack of assistance and invisible pressure. All in all,
while
 it may be scientifically proven that
women
 are superior caregivers to men, I firmly believe raising a child consists of responsibilities from both parents.
Besides
, in the 21st century,
women
 could easily seek work-life balance with companies under a 2-sided consensus.
Submitted by lokyiu612 on

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task response
Ensure your essay covers all aspects of the prompt explicitly. While your essay touches on relevant points, make the direct link to the topic more evident throughout your discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is generally well-structured, with clear paragraphs and a logical flow of ideas. To further improve, try to enhance the transitions between paragraphs and within them to ensure seamless reading.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify and develop your main points further by providing more specific examples and elaboration. This will enrich your argument and make your stance clearer to the reader.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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