IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that robots are very important for humans’ future development. Others, however, think that robots are a dangerous invention that could have negative effects on society. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #robots #humans’ #future #development #invention #effects #society
There is a controversial perspective heating a debate over the tremendous influence of automatic machines on
people
's lives.
While
 some claim that robotic devices
act as
Verb problem
play
show examples
 a paramount
significant
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
humans’
Fix the agreement mistake
human’
show examples
 society to thrive in the future, the opposite makes a statement that they are hazardous and could wreak havoc on the community.
While
 the latter is valid to some extent, I consider myself an advocate of the former. Without a shadow of a doubt, it is imperative for
people
 to take advantage of machine-based processes for their prosperity.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that by using surveillance cameras, a driverless car can precisely identify obstacles adjacent to the vehicle
as well as
 communicate with each other to prevent serious collisions.
For example
, in the USA, the system of automatic cabs experienced a vigorous bloom, which is predicted to potentially curb traffic congestion in order to improve road safety and save
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 time.
Hence
, artificial intelligence plays
such
 an important part in
humans’
Fix the agreement mistake
human’
show examples
 development.
While
 the essence of the robotic machine is widely acknowledged, its disadvantageous effect on society
also
 exists since it can easily take over
people
's jobs in working areas.
This
 could be because the machinery is established to conduct the difficult tasks with higher accuracy and
moreover
 it does not have tiredness so productivity will be consistently maintained once programmed. To be more specific, production-line work gradually turns from hand-based to machine-based
process
Fix the agreement mistake
processes
show examples
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
as
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
consequent
Replace the word
consequence
show examples
, it will lead to the unemployment of a myriad of manual workers all around the world.
Thus
, automatic devices have an adverse bearing on the community. In
my
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
conclusion,
although
 high technology takes a toll on
people
's lives, its importance may overshadow the negative influence.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to structure your essay more clearly with distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint and a separate conclusion paragraph at the end.
coherence cohesion
Use a variety of linking words and phrases to help the reader follow the logical flow of your ideas throughout the essay.
task achievement
Support your main points with more detailed and specific examples to strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph are relevant to that idea.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: