IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Children today spend too much time playing on screens and not enough time doing physical activity. We need to get rid of our children’s devices to avoid severe strains on our health system in the future. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#children #time #screens #activity #children’s #devices #strains #health #system #future
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With the rise of streaming services and the prevalence of video games, contemporary
children
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 spend a significant amount of duration on
screens
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 and less
time
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 engaging in physical activity.
Although
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 I agree that physical activity is vital, I do not think it and watch
time
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 are mutually exclusive; I,
therefore
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, disagree that we need to eradicate
screens
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 fully to keep our offspring healthy. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss
this
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 issue using examples to support arguments and demonstrate points. On the one hand, viewing interval can lead to an
overall
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 decline in physical health. When
children
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 pass hours frozen, watching a video, they harm their bodies and their minds.
For example
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, doctors agree that offspring who spend more than the average amount of
time
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 on
screens
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 per day without moving are more likely to be obese than offspring who spend below-average periods watching
screens
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.
Therefore
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, minimizing static screen
time
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 is indeed a worthy goal.
However
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,
this
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 does not mean that the only way to do
this
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 is by getting rid of
screens
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. Recently, programmers have developed a variety of applications that encourage
children
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 to move. By training them to dance, perform martial arts, or do callisthenics, these screen-based activities actually encourage movement. In fact, it has been noted that, on average, using
such
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 applications burns more calories per day than a game of kickball. Encouraging teenagers to use their screen
time
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 on
such
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 applications would
therefore
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 give them the best of both worlds.
To sum up
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,
although
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 a sedentary lifestyle has clear dangers, screen use is not necessarily an indication that youngsters will burden our health system; by using
screens
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 to promote, rather than replace, physical activity, we can prevent widespread health issues
due to
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 lack of movement. To
this
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 end, parents should consider encouraging
children
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 to use movement-based apps.
Submitted by rbtech65 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that examples used are detailed and specific to enhance the persuasiveness of the argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on expanding and deepening the main points with further analysis to ensure a comprehensive exploration of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
Link each main idea clearly to the overall argument using a range of cohesive devices for a more coherent essay.
Task Achievement
Consider exploring potential counterarguments to demonstrate critical engagement with the topic.
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