The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the healthcare system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #healthcare #system #effort #health #education #lessons #school #curriculum

Owing to the problems which a growing population of overweight people cause for the healthcare system, some people think that the key to solving these issues is to have more

sport

and exercise in

schools

. I completely agree that

this

is the best way to tackle the issue of deteriorating public health in relation to weight.

Firstly

, dealing with the issues surrounding obesity and weight problems is best solved by taking a long-term approach and introducing more

sport

and exercise in

schools

This

method will ensure that the next generation will be healthier and will not have

such

health problems. At the moment, the average child in the West does

sport

possibly twice a week, which is not enough to counteract their

otherwise

sedentary lifestyle.

However

, by incorporating more

sports

classes into the curriculum

as well as

encouraging extracurricular

sports

activities, they will undoubtedly become fitter and more active. Another point to consider is that having more

sports

lessons for

children

schools

will probably result in

children

developing an interest in exercise which might filter through to other members of their family and have a longer-lasting effect.

In other words

, parents with sporty

children

are more likely to get involved in

sports

as a way of encouraging their

children

. By both parents and

children

being involved, it will ensure that

children

grow up to incorporate

sport

into their daily lives.

This

is certainly a natural and lasting way to improve public health. In conclusion, to deal with an increasing population of unfit, overweight people, changing the lifestyle of the coming generation by introducing

sport

schools

is the easiest and most effective method to use.

Submitted by mirzayev.subhann on Sat Jan 20 2024

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Task Achievement

To improve your score in Task Achievement, ensure that your essay provides more detailed and varied examples of how more physical education in schools could affect health and the healthcare system. Use data or studies to support your points where possible.

Coherence and Cohesion

For Coherence and Cohesion, consider linking your ideas more explicitly throughout paragraphs with a wider range of cohesive devices. Additionally, vary paragraph structures and sentences to avoid repetition and maintain the reader's interest.

Fully explain your ideas

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Paragraph 1 - Introduction

Sentence 1 - Background statement
Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
Sentence 3 - Thesis
Sentence 4 - Outline sentence

Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph

Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
Sentence 2 - Example
Sentence 3 - Discussion
Sentence 4 - Conclusion

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Sentence 1 - Summary
Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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7Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Grammar mistakes
 

4 paragraphs

276 words

7.50

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 7.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 9.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

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