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Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Smart devices have put all of the world's information at our fingertips. What are the drawbacks of this development?

#devices #world #information #fingertips #development
People
 today are capable of accessing the internet through their mobile smart
devices
.
This
 puts them in touch with an infinite amount of
information
.
Although
this
 trend has many positive ramifications, it is not without drawbacks. To illustrate
this
, the effect smart
devices
 have on memory and privacy will be analyzed. For one, smart
devices
 have caused
people
 to rely less on their memories.
For example
, sites like Wikipedia make it easy for smartphone users to quickly access
information
 related to history and geography. The problem with
this
 convenience is that these same
people
 are committing fewer and fewer things to memory, and
this
 makes them slaves to their
devices
.
Thus
,
this
 is one of the main drawbacks to having a wide availability of
information
 through smart
devices
.
In addition
 to
this
, smart
devices
 have encroached upon
people
's privacy.
For instance
,
last
 year a child in America was unknowingly filmed by his classmate
while
 performing an embarrassing dance routine. After the video was uploaded,
this
 child suffered extreme teasing, which ultimately led him to develop a mental disorder. As
this
 shows, the exchanging of
information
 through smart
devices
 is not always a positive thing. As the above makes clear, the access smartphones have to vast amounts of
information
 poses some drawbacks. It is predicted that these weaknesses will continue to grow in size and scale into the foreseeable future.
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Task Achievement
Try to expand your arguments with more diverse examples and explanations to strengthen your essay.
Task Achievement
In both body paragraphs, consider introducing counterarguments to provide a more balanced view before refuting them. This will enrich your argumentation and present a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to add complexity and interest to your writing. This will also demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure a clear link between your main ideas and examples by explicitly stating how each example supports your argument. This will improve clarity and effectiveness.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a clear introduction, development, and conclusion, which effectively structures your essay.
Task Achievement
The main points are well supported with relevant examples, enhancing the essay's persuasiveness.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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