IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that no one should work after the age of 65years,others say that they should continue the work as long as they want.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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These days, it becomes common for people who are older than sixty to retire and stay unemployed for the rest of their life. It's argued that
elders
Use synonyms
 should work at
this
Linking Words
 age, staying occupied and social,
whereas
Linking Words
 others believe that it is not necessary.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explore both
viewpoint
Change to a plural noun
viewpoints
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and provide my opinion in conclusion. First and foremost, working at the age of 65
support
Correct subject-verb agreement
supports
show examples
elders
Use synonyms
 to avoid boredom and loneliness.
Hence
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 older individuals complete tasks and socialise with others, they feel useful for
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society.
For example
Linking Words
 in Tasmania, it is pretty common for people over 60 to work
in
Change preposition
on
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 a farm picking up grapes for wine production.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 activity makes them social,
busy
Correct word choice
and busy
show examples
, and provides a sense of belonging to a group, making
elders
Use synonyms
 feel productive and happy.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, having old employees in a company holds significant drawbacks connected to traditional approaches and health issues. Young workers
undoubtedly
Add a missing verb
are undoubtedly
show examples
 more effective and innovative,
while
Linking Words
elders
Use synonyms
 are less reliable as they are more likely to face health problems,
such
Linking Words
 as high blood pressure, weak bones and heart diseases.
Hence
Linking Words
, some modern
corportate
Correct your spelling
corporate
 organisations, like "Google" or "Yahoo", are seeking
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young and creative employees possessing
the
Correct article usage
a
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 passion for work and progressive ideas.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the employment of old workers can negatively affect the productivity of some companies. In conclusion, even though young employees are more energetic, some places
such
Linking Words
 as farms, community centres and libraries still require older individuals. From my perspective, participating in less complicated and physical jobs with just a few working hours a day,
aid
Correct subject-verb agreement
aids
show examples
 old people to avoid boredom staying connected with others.

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Structure
Ensure that your introduction clearly addresses the prompt and presents a nuanced thesis statement that reflects a balance of both views and your own opinion.
Coherence
To improve coherence, consider using a wider range of linking devices to better connect ideas within and between paragraphs.
Development
Aim for a clear progression of ideas throughout the essay, and work on presenting main points that are fully developed with supporting details.
Conclusion
In your conclusion, make sure to include a restatement of the main points discussed and clearly articulate your final stance, ensuring it aligns with the discussion in the body.
Examples
Expand and diversify your range of examples to fully support your arguments.
Task Achievement
Task response can be enhanced by fully answering all parts of the prompt and maintaining a clear position throughout the response.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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