IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

University students must pay all costs associated with their education, because it benefits mostly them individually rather than the whole society as whole. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give your opinion.

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It is argued that
students
Use synonyms
 from tertiary
education
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 must cover all costs related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
educations
Fix the agreement mistake
education
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because it contributes mostly
them
Change preposition
to them
show examples
 personally rather than
society
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 as
whole
Correct article usage
a whole
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. I completely agree with
this
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 statement because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
students
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 might use their school loans for personal
expenses
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, and it is not guaranteed that their occupations will improve
society
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. Most
students
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 use their
scholorships
Correct your spelling
scholarships
 or loans for their personal requirements
such
Linking Words
 as technological devices,
garment
Fix the agreement mistake
garments
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, and food. These items might not related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
education
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,
in addition
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, it is not easy to detect which
expenses
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 are totally personal. To illustrate
this
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, some shopping items
such
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 as laptops and iPads could be educational
expenses
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, and
therefore
Linking Words
, these gadgets can positively affect many users'
education
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.
However
Linking Words
, garment or food
expenses
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 are not directly related
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 but many
students
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 have to spend money for them in order to live.
As a result
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,
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 might be personal and it is hard to detect which items are educational or not. It is true that some
students
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 contribute their
society
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 with the help of their jobs, but some occupations are limited to
contribute
Wrong verb form
contributing
show examples
Use synonyms
society
Change preposition
to society
show examples
.
These kind
Change the determiner
This kind
These kinds
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 of jobs do not have any community service opportunities.
For example
Linking Words
, designers or make-up artists are not able to serve their nations as doctors or lawyers because their fields are not close to community services
such
Linking Words
 as health care or national security. Ultimately, it is not guaranteed that all professions will directly contribute
Use synonyms
society
Change preposition
to society
show examples
with
Change preposition
by
show examples
 serving them. In conclusion, I believe that university
students
Use synonyms
 must cover all their payments associated with their
education
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, because some
students
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 use their money for their personal requirements which could be educational or completely personal, and some occupations are not appropriate to serve their nation as other professions.

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Introduction/Conclusion
Make sure your introduction has a clear thesis statement that directly addresses the topic. Your introduction should clearly state your position on the issue.
Development and Support
Develop your ideas more comprehensively. Your essay has a position but needs further elaboration and explanation throughout.
Coherence/Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices to link ideas together and paragraphs to each other more clearly.
Examples/Support
Ensure examples are directly relevant and clearly support your main points. Examples should be explicit and should directly relate to the topic at hand.
Conclusion
Aim to provide a more nuanced conclusion that summarizes your main points and reiterates your position in a way that reflects the complexity of the argument.
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