IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #children #phones #school
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It is still a subject of debate when the majority say
children
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 should not
use
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 their
phones
Use synonyms
 whenever they have classes to attend
while
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 the others think that their
phones
Use synonyms
 will not harm them.
This
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 essay will compare both perspectives
as well as
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 give related illustrations before
state
Wrong verb form
stating
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 my own opinion.
To begin
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 with, most
of
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apply
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people might think that technology like
phones
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 only will disturb them and reduce
children
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's
focuses
Fix the agreement mistake
focus
show examples
 on
Use synonyms
school works
Correct your spelling
schoolwork
show examples
. It is undeniable that
phones
Use synonyms
 can distract them because those devices own various features like games and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 which individuals can access and spend their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 in there for almost forever before they get too attached
with
Change preposition
to
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 them.
For instance
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, if
children
Use synonyms
 stream
online
Add an article
an online
show examples
movie
Fix the agreement mistake
movies
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 with their
phones
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 they require at least 2 hours of
screentime
Correct your spelling
screen time
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 to
finally
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 meet the movie ending,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
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 they can
use
Use synonyms
 that 2 hours for other stuff like studying or doing their
homeworks
Correct your spelling
homework
.
This
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 is why many individuals believe that it is necessary to ban students from their
Use synonyms
phones
Change the noun form
phone
show examples
 usage in order to stop them from being procrastinators and to just focus on their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
.
On the other hand
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, people believe that
phones
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 are needed and can be very helpful to contribute
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
school
Use synonyms
 stuff.
This
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 is because
phones
Use synonyms
 are connected to the internet which is commonly known as a modern encyclopedia or basically
contain
Correct subject-verb agreement
contains
show examples
everthing
Correct your spelling
everything
 that everyone
is need
Change the verb form
needs
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 to know. To exemplify, their mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 let them access Youtube where they can find versatile
insighftul
Correct your spelling
insightful
 video materials including their
school
Use synonyms
 subject materials like math, science, and even art which can enrich their knowledge with even more updated information.
This
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 is why many people believe that
phones
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 are great to
use
Use synonyms
 even
in
Change preposition
during
show examples
school
Use synonyms
day
Fix the agreement mistake
days
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 as
this
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 phenomenon will just become an advantage for many students.
To sum up
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, the
Use synonyms
phones
Change noun form
phone's
phones'
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 function on
children
Use synonyms
 in
school
Use synonyms
 is like a double-edged sword where it has both
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 and its own
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
. Personally, I believe that
device
Fix the agreement mistake
devices
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 can contribute a lot
on
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to
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Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
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 growth
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 learning if they
use
Use synonyms
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 wisely and still
being considerable
Verb problem
concentrate
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 on their own responsibilities as
leaners
Correct your spelling
learners
show examples
.
Submitted by writingielts0 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay provides a clear structure but could further benefit from more varied and complex sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of language proficiency.
task achievement
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea supported by relevant examples. Develop each point further to enhance task response.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Minimize
  • Distractions
  • Prohibit
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate
  • Encourage
  • Social interaction
  • Educational apps
  • Safety tool
  • Emergencies
  • Responsible use
  • Balanced approach
  • Restrictions
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