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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Traffic and housing problems could be solved by moving large companies, factories and their employees to the countryside. Do you agree or disagree?

#traffic #companies #factories #employees #countryside
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Nowadays, the increase of people migrating to urban areas has led to numerous
traffic
 and housing problems.
This
 dilemma could be solved by relocating big enterprises with their factories and workers to rural areas. I completely agree with
this
 point of view
due to
 two primary reasons.
To begin
 with, the idea of moving big businesses to the suburbs is beneficial because it tackles some
traffic
 problems.
This
 can be explained by the fact that reducing numerous corporations can shrink the number of people commuting to work every day. Each big-size company contains thousands of workers, a cause for overpopulation in cities .
This
 can be seen in the case of
traffic
 jams in high peak time, they go to work and students go to school, leading to a barrage of cars and motorbikes stuck together.
As a result
, businesses and their factories should move to rural areas to ease
this
 problem.
Secondly
, it can help resolve the scarcity of houses. At present, big corporations and companies are fraught with immigrants from unprosperous regions, causing a significant surge in housing prices.
For example
, Apple or Microsoft appealed to thousands of employees, who opted for an environment that
can
Wrong verb form
could
show examples
 provide many opportunities, which caused an unbalanced population in the US.
Consequently
, houses’ prices are three times more expensive in the centre compared to other locations. In conclusion, for the reason I have mentioned above, I strongly believe that big companies should locate themselves around each country to
smaller
Add an article
a smaller
the smaller
show examples
 number of staff, which causes
traffic
 jams and house scarcity.
Submitted by nguyetcat.dao on

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coherence cohesion
To improve your logical structure, it is important to ensure that your ideas follow a clear and logical progression. Your essay presents a reasonable sequence of ideas but could benefit from smoother transitions and a more concise progression of arguments.
coherence cohesion
While your introduction and conclusion are present, to strengthen your essay, consider refining your thesis statement and ensuring that your conclusion directly reflects upon the arguments presented in the body of your essay.
coherence cohesion
When supporting your main points, aim to provide more specific examples and detailed explanations. This enhances the persuasiveness of your arguments and shows a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You have adequately addressed the task, providing relevant arguments related to the topic. To further enhance your response, ensure that each point is fully developed with clear explanations and that the conclusion effectively summarizes your perspective without introducing new information.
task achievement
Your ideas are relevant to the prompt, yet to achieve higher clarity and comprehension, work on the precision of your argumentation. Avoid overly broad statements and instead focus on presenting clear, specific, and articulate points.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This enhances the effectiveness of your essay by illustrating your points with concrete evidence or scenarios.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • traffic congestion
  • housing problems
  • countryside
  • large companies
  • factories
  • employees
  • urban areas
  • land availability
  • relocate
  • stimulate economic development
  • challenges
  • infrastructure
  • transportation
  • rural areas
What to do next:
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