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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

STUDIES SHOW THAT CRIME RATE ARE LOWER AMONG THOSE WITH EDUCATION DEGREES. THEREFORE, THE BEST WAY TO REDUCE THE CRIME RATE IS TO EDUCATE CRIMINALS WHILE THEY ARE STILL IN PRISON. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

To a large extent
that
Correct word choice
apply
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I agree with the statement of educating criminals in prison
for
Change preposition
to
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 prevent the crime rate from increasing. The reasons are as follows:
Firstly
Linking Words
,
education
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 allows job opportunities. There are numerous
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
crimes
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Correct pronoun usage
that happened
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happened
Wrong verb form
happen
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 because
the
Correct article usage
apply
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criminals have to commit the
crimes
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 for the sake of their livelihood.
For example
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, there are higher chance for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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unemployed
people
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 to commit
crimes
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becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 they are forced to steal in the interest of themselves and their families. By introducing
education
Use synonyms
 in prisons, the prisoners can access
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
new
skills
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 and
knowledge
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, which allows them to equip themselves for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job hunting. Meanwhile, they may find new passions when they acknowledge new
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
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 of
knowledge
Use synonyms
, so they can be passionate in developing new sets of
skills
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 for the sake of their future.
Secondly
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,
education
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 can strengthen their interpersonal relationships. Since they can learn with their peers and teachers,
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thus
Correct your spelling
they
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establishing
Wrong verb form
establish
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 trustful relationships. Throughout the learning process, they can learn how to communicate and work with other peers. Not only will they learn how to be empathic towards
people
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, but
also
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 they can be more confident in cultivating harmonic relationships with different
people
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society.
However
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, some may argue that
education
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 is not effective, as a majority of prisoners
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have already lost their
interests
Fix the agreement mistake
interest
show examples
 in learning. I firmly believe that academic performance is not the only way to
relect
Correct your spelling
reflect
select
 a person's potential. There are uncountable fields of
knowledge
Use synonyms
 and techniques that are not obtainable in the local schools.
For example
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, gaming entertainment industries have been thriving in recent years,
people
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 who
loves
Change the verb form
love
show examples
 video games can play professionally and secure their living.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
education
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 is a key to
allow
Wrong verb form
allowing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to find out their interests so they can believe in their own abilities to make a living by themselves. All in all, it is my unshakable belief that
education
Use synonyms
 can effectively reduce the crime rate. It is because
education
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 can provide the prisoners hope that they can enter
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society with sufficient
knowledge
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 and soft
skills
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 for developing interpersonal
skills
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, so it is not
neccessory
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for them to commit
crimes
Use synonyms
 anymore.

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task achievement
Ensure a clear thesis statement is provided in the introduction to guide the direction of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively to structure the argument coherently.
coherence and cohesion
Consider varying sentence structures to improve readability and flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. These examples should be detailed and directly related to the question.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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