IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Obesity
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
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 a detrimental problem within society.
While
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 several
people
Use synonyms
 are advising to
rising
Verb problem
raise
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 the price of non-healthy
food
Use synonyms
, I completely disagree with that view since to overcome the phenomena,
people
Use synonyms
 should do more than just
avoiding
Wrong verb form
avoid
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 fatty dishes. Obviously, increasing the price of several unhealthy foods can drive
people
Use synonyms
 to the healthier option. When
people
Use synonyms
 begin to realize their daily consumption of non-healthy products
compel
Change the verb form
compels
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 them to allocate a massive amount of money, that will make them think twice since they might have another priority.
Nonetheless
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, it can make them
to
Change the verb form
apply
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start looking for alternative ingredients or products that are cheaper, with almost the
similar
Correct word choice
same
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 quality
like
Correct word choice
as
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 they used to consume. Take the example when Indonesian
people
Use synonyms
 start to do home cooking trends to save their budgets because the government is increasing the tax price of fast
food
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restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
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for
Change preposition
by
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 around 10%. Even though almost three-quarters of the total population
are
Change the verb form
is
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 following the trends, I personally think that it will not
effective
Add a missing verb
be effective
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 for the lasting period since the existence of online delivery services
such
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 as Grab or UberEats are offering several promotions to make the prices remain low.
Hence
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, several alternatives must be conducted in order to minimise the overweight
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
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.
First,
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through
campaign
Add an article
the campaign
a campaign
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. By deploying popular platforms
such
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 as Instagram and TikTok,
as well as
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 collaborating with prominent celebrities to introduce and educate
people
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 about the risks of obesity,
people
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 can
initially
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 raise their
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
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to
Change preposition
about
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 that matter.
Second,
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do regular exercise. By exercising, the body will not only learn to control the
food
Use synonyms
 intake for overcoming obesity
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 how to unleash the calories from the
food
Use synonyms
 they consume.
To conclude
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,
although
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 rising prices might be potent to tackle overweight issues I personally believe that it will not
effective
Add a missing verb
be effective
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 in the long run,
thus
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 some alternatives,
such
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us
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
 doing
campaign
Correct article usage
a campaign
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 or exercise must be undertaken.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly addresses the question and outlines your position. Additionally, establish a more linear progression of ideas throughout the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop your main points with detailed examples and explanations. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea that is expanded upon.
Coherence & Cohesion
Link your ideas more clearly using a range of cohesive devices. This helps to signal the relationships between sentences and ideas, enhancing the overall readability of the essay.
Task Achievement
Fully respond to all parts of the task and clearly present your views throughout the essay. Ensure your conclusion consolidates your argument effectively.
Task Achievement
Use specific and relevant examples to support your points, which will add weight to your argument and demonstrate an understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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