More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people suggest that the solution to this problem is to increase the price of fattening foods. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Obesity
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
a detrimental problem within society.
While
several
people
are advising to
rising
Verb problem
raise
show examples
the price of non-healthy
food
, I completely disagree with that view since to overcome the phenomena,
people
should do more than just
avoiding
Wrong verb form
avoid
show examples
fatty dishes. Obviously, increasing the price of several unhealthy foods can drive
people
to the healthier option. When
people
begin to realize their daily consumption of non-healthy products
compel
Change the verb form
compels
show examples
them to allocate a massive amount of money, that will make them think twice since they might have another priority.
Nonetheless
, it can make them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
start looking for alternative ingredients or products that are cheaper, with almost the
similar
Correct word choice
same
show examples
quality
like
Correct word choice
as
show examples
they used to consume. Take the example when Indonesian
people
start to do home cooking trends to save their budgets because the government is increasing the tax price of fast
food
restaurant
Fix the agreement mistake
restaurants
show examples
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
around 10%. Even though almost three-quarters of the total population
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
following the trends, I personally think that it will not
effective
Add a missing verb
be effective
show examples
for the lasting period since the existence of online delivery services
such
as Grab or UberEats are offering several promotions to make the prices remain low.
Hence
, several alternatives must be conducted in order to minimise the overweight
phenomena
Fix the agreement mistake
phenomenon
show examples
.
First,
through
campaign
Add an article
the campaign
a campaign
show examples
. By deploying popular platforms
such
as Instagram and TikTok,
as well as
collaborating with prominent celebrities to introduce and educate
people
about the risks of obesity,
people
can
initially
raise their
concern
Fix the agreement mistake
concerns
show examples
to
Change preposition
about
show examples
that matter.
Second,
do regular exercise. By exercising, the body will not only learn to control the
food
intake for overcoming obesity
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
but
also
how to unleash the calories from the
food
they consume.
To conclude
,
although
rising prices might be potent to tackle overweight issues I personally believe that it will not
effective
Add a missing verb
be effective
show examples
in the long run,
thus
some alternatives,
such
us
Correct your spelling
as
show examples
doing
campaign
Correct article usage
a campaign
show examples
or exercise must be undertaken.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the introduction clearly addresses the question and outlines your position. Additionally, establish a more linear progression of ideas throughout the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop your main points with detailed examples and explanations. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea that is expanded upon.
Coherence & Cohesion
Link your ideas more clearly using a range of cohesive devices. This helps to signal the relationships between sentences and ideas, enhancing the overall readability of the essay.
Task Achievement
Fully respond to all parts of the task and clearly present your views throughout the essay. Ensure your conclusion consolidates your argument effectively.
Task Achievement
Use specific and relevant examples to support your points, which will add weight to your argument and demonstrate an understanding of the topic.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • fattening foods
  • calorie-dense
  • healthier food choices
  • taxation
  • economic implications
  • social implications
  • subsidies
  • nutritional education
  • public health campaigns
  • nanny state
  • individual's right
  • consumer behavior
  • preventative measures
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