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Band 4.5

In some countries many people suffer from health problems due to eating too much fast food.It is, therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.Do you agree or disagree?

#countries #people #health #food #governments #tax
Junk
food
 plays a major role in modern
society
,
therefore
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
addicted
Add a missing verb
are addicted
show examples
 for getting fast
food
 and they tend to get
non communicable
Add a hyphen
non-communicable
show examples
diseases
such
 as cholesterol,heart
diseases
,
diabetic
Replace the word
diabetes
show examples
 and
also
 cancer.
Therefore
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should pay attention and take some options for avoiding future illnesses,
whereas
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should establish
tax
Correct article usage
a tax
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
 sort of
food
.
This
 essay
agree
Change the verb form
agrees
show examples
 that a higher
tax
 should be paid by each and every company.
Firstly
,higher rate of
tax
 should be increased yearly and if any company
missed
Verb problem
fails
show examples
 to pay
tax
,found should be
double
Wrong verb form
doubled
show examples
.
Secondly
,introducing organic foods for the
society
.
Food
 industry companies should pay higher taxes
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
government
 as they recommended,
whereas
junk
food
 like
burger
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
show examples
, pizza and other
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 display their ingredients of any kind of
food
.As an example,
food
 companies must give accurate information
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their customers.
Then
,most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
 can aware
junk
Change preposition
of junk
show examples
food
 and
also
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 must launch programmes
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
related
Add a missing verb
are related
show examples
 to
increase
Change the verb form
increasing
show examples
 our health because life can be saved and prevent
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
illnesses. United
state
Fix the agreement mistake
States
show examples
 is
prime
Add an article
a prime
the prime
show examples
 example
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 increasing heart
diseases
 and cholesterol,
whereas
 they spend much more money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
diseases
.
Furthermore
, encouraging
people
for growing
Change preposition
to grow
show examples
 organic plants and
introducing
Wrong verb form
introduce
show examples
nutrients
Replace the word
nutritious
show examples
food
 is essential to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for children.
Initially
, introducing new meal plans which are
nutrient
Replace the word
nutritious
show examples
 for
people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 helpful for maintaining healthy lives.
For instance
,school is the best place for
awaring
Correct your spelling
awarding
 the whole
society
 because if we
an
Correct your spelling
can
show examples
 change their mindset, it will
be definitely get
Change the verb form
definitely get
show examples
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 for it.
Cosequently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, all most all
society
 can be changed and they will tend to get healthy foods.
To
Change preposition
In
show examples
 conclusion,
junk
food
 should be taxed,
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
 money can be imposed
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
hospital
Fix the agreement mistake
hospitals
show examples
 for medication because
junk
 foods are more threatening
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our health day by day.
Submitted by dilsha.charuki on

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introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. While you did state an agreement with the idea of imposing higher taxes on fast food, make sure to offer a concise thesis statement that outlines the main points you will discuss.
paragraph structure
Work on organizing your paragraphs in a logical manner. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence followed by supporting sentences that expand on that main idea. It will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
supporting examples
Support your main points with clear, specific examples. While you mention the United States and diseases, try to include statistics or real-world examples that directly support the argument that higher taxes on junk food will reduce health issues.
cohesion
For coherence, aim for smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Using phrases such as 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'furthermore' is a start, but also consider connective phrases that show cause-and-effect or contrast.
conclusion
Ensure that the conclusion effectively summarizes your points and restates your argument. It should bring closure to your essay, touching on the key points discussed.
grammar & vocabulary
Carefully check your grammar and vocabulary throughout the essay. Even though you can convey your message, there are several grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that can confuse the reader. Use complex sentence structures appropriately and watch for subject-verb agreement as well as correct use of articles and prepositions.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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