Some people say the government should not put money into building theatres and sports stadiums; they should spend more money on medical care and education. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Nowadays, many
people
argue that the government
should invest money in health services and education instead
of art and sport related
construction. Personally, I completely disagree with Add a hyphen
sport-related
this
view due to
two primary reasons.
Firstly
, the idea of ignoring building theatres and stadiums can lead to the lack of countries
facilities. Fix the agreement mistake
country
This
can be explained by the growing demands of the development in
sports and Change preposition
of
musics
. Change the wording
music
kinds of music
pieces of music
This
can be seen in the case that humans are wealthier at present compared to the past,
so Remove the comma
apply
that
we are paying more attention to
different forms of entertainment to enrich ourselves with Correct word choice
apply
another kind
of knowledge Fix the agreement mistake
other kinds
instead
of core prospects like education or health. As a result
, the government
needs to have a budget for amusement activities in order to suit modern proclivity.
What’s more, due to
some legislation, government
expenditures have already contained spending for the medical and education system, which do not need to be taken from other sectors. To illustrate, different kinds of enjoyment play an important role in stimulating inhabitants to enjoy leisure after hours of work. The shortage of these infrastructures is one of the culprits of stress and lead
to a barrage of tragic outcomes. Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
For instance
, in Japan, people
are working day and night to make profitable use of their time in negative ways, so that a large number of people
forwent their lives and committed sucide
. Correct your spelling
suicide
Therefore
, it is crucial that the government
invest in art and sports to promote happiness.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that it is senseless for governments to deprive money from stadiums and theatres for other things. Because it can not serve the demand of their people
and cause harmful effects.Submitted by nguyetcat.dao on
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Coherence & Cohesion
The overall logical structure of the essay is decent, but you could improve your coherence and cohesion by ensuring that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Additionally, each paragraph should have a clear main idea that is expanded upon with supporting details and examples.
Coherence & Cohesion
For the introduction and conclusion, you've done well to clearly state your position. Make sure to reiterate your main points in the conclusion to reinforce your argument.
Task Achievement
To better support your main points, include more specific examples and evidence. Use real-world cases to illustrate your points and strengthen your argument. Avoid general statements and strive to provide concrete information that relates directly to the topic.
Task Achievement
While your essay addresses the task, work on developing your ideas more comprehensively. Aim for depth over breadth in your discussion, which will naturally extend your essay and add complexity to your argument.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.