IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many people believe that increasing levels of violence on television and in films is having a direct result on levels of violence in society. Others claim that violence in society is the result of more fundamental social problems such as unemployment. How much do you think society is affected by violence in the media?

#people #levels #violence #television #films #society #unemployment #media
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Since the beginning of the human race,
violence
 has been a problem and a method that many of us
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 recurred to,whether it has been at a moment of stress or when things simply don´t go
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 way we want them. Some people believe that
violence
 is a direct consequence of fundamental social problems
such
 as unemployment and others believe that the increasing levels of
violence
 in the media
is having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a direct result in today's society. I think that both of them are part of the same coin but social messes might be more important because as we´ve seen in history, the most violent periods occur when social complications are not taken into account properly.
To begin
, research has shown that fictional television, film
violence
 and even television news, all have shown an increase in savagery and brute force, principally in the form of suicide and aggression,
however
,
as well as
 that, social troubles like a history of violent
victimazation
Correct your spelling
victimization
 are probably more important than entertainment
violence
. To illustrate, even to
this
 day there are huge communities of Jews that are repulsive and hateful to
german
Capitalize word
German
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 citizens just for the fact of them being
germans
Capitalize word
Germans
show examples
.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 social difficulties
such
 as poverty,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 make children more vulnerable to things like
:
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 child
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
, prostitution, sex trafficking and recruitment as soldiers, will make the kids
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
grow up with untreated traumatic events, being more likely to develop a mental illness or to start abusing substances. All of which correlate directly with
violence
 and unhappiness. To summarise both media
violence
 and fundamental social issues are key factors of
violence
,
nevertheless
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think that social worries are more of an important matter
due to
 the effects they have on people,
hence
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 should be addressed first.
Submitted by alonsoddel78 on

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introduction
Ensure that your introduction clearly presents the topic and your viewpoint. While you've addressed the general ideas, offering a clear thesis statement early on will help readers understand your position from the beginning.
coherence
Work on structuring your essay with clear paragraphs: an introduction, at least two body paragraphs discussing each view, and a conclusion. Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that you use cohesive devices appropriately to guide the reader through your argument.
examples
Back up your points with clear explanations and specific, relevant examples. You touched on the impact of social issues like poverty, but further elaboration and concrete examples would strengthen your argument.
task response
Be careful with generalizations and unsupported claims. Statements like 'huge communities of Jews that are repulsive and hateful to german citizens' can be seen as oversimplifications and might be offensive. Stick to factual information and make sure to support your arguments with evidence or specific studies where possible.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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