IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT WOMEN SHOULD PLAY AN EQUAL ROLE AS MEN IN A COUNTRY’S POLICE FORCE OR MILITARY FORCE, SUCH AS THE ARMY, WHILE OTHERS THINK WOMEN ARE NOT SUITABLE FOR THESE KIND OF JOBS. DISCUSS BOTH THE VIEWS AND GIVE YOUR OPINION.

#people #women #role #men #country’s #police #force #army #jobs
Nowadays, diverse opinions circulate regarding the participation of
women
 in the police force or the military. I will explore both sides of
this
 argument and share my own viewpoint. On one hand,
women
 can contribute distinct perspectives and strengths to these roles. They tend to be more sensitive and observant than men, enabling them to facilitate effective communication and display emotional intelligence in various situations.
For instance
, during rescue operations, female officers offering calm and clear instructions could enhance the efficiency and monitoring of the process.
This
 ability to understand and respond to subtle cues in high-stakes situations is a unique skill that
women
 often bring to the table.
On the other hand
, some argue that physical differences between men and
women
 might impact performance in military and police tasks. Disparities in factors
such
 as weight and height can lead to notable strength differences, especially in situations where both power and speed are crucial,
such
 as on the battlefield.
Skeptics
Change the spelling
Sceptics
show examples
 contend that female soldiers may struggle to match the physical prowess of their male counterparts.
While
 advancements in technology have minimized the importance of brute strength in many military operations, physical fitness remains a valid concern. In my opinion, opening up occupations to both genders brings distinct advantages.
While
women
 may provide different perspectives in these roles, they have proven to be as competitive as men in various fields. A compelling illustration of
this
 is the increasing recognition of female athletes in the media. I firmly believe that
women
 should have the autonomy to choose their career paths, including pursuing roles in the military and police services.
Submitted by yuyi981121 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance your logical structure, consider more explicit transitions to guide the reader between the points you're making. A clearer progression from one idea to the next could improve the flow of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Including an introduction and conclusion is essential. Make sure your introduction clearly outlines the topics that will be discussed, and your conclusion effectively summarizes the points made and your stance. Your essay does this well, but the conclusion can be strengthened by more directly stating the implications of your argument or a recommendation.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your main points are supported, but for a higher score, consider including a wider range of examples and evidence. Drawing from a variety of sources, adding statistics or citing specific case studies can make your argument more convincing.
Task Achievement
You've responded to the task completely, but to push the score higher, ensure that each point made distinctly addresses the prompt. Your opinion is clear, but more explicit discussion of why others may hold different viewpoints could provide a more comprehensive response.
Task Achievement
Your ideas are generally clear and comprehensive. Incorporate a more balanced discussion of both views throughout the essay before concluding with your opinion for greater clarity and depth.
Task Achievement
For better specificity, include more detailed examples to support your arguments. Using real-world scenarios or actual data to illustrate women's contributions in the military or police forces can make your examples more relevant and persuasive.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • integration
  • physical prowess
  • combat roles
  • front-line positions
  • unit cohesion
  • emotional intelligence
  • merit-based selection
  • traditional gender roles
  • career paths
  • effective communication
  • adjustments in training
  • hazardous duty
  • liability
  • distraction
  • capability
  • accommodate
  • compromise efficiency
  • safety concerns
  • role model
What to do next:
Look at other essays: