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Band 5

People living in the 21st century have a better quality of life than the previous centuries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #st #century #quality #life #centuries
In today’s world,
people
's living conditions have recently been improving compared to the older centuries thanks to the development of
technology
. I agree that
people
, at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
present, have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
better living
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
.
This
 essay will contribute facts to my statement. On one hand, it is believed that
people
 bond together more without the help of
technology
. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
previous times,
people
 had a strong sense to protect,
improve
Correct word choice
and improve
show examples
 local communities and share responsibilities. Another thing is THAT in the old times,
people
 lived
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a slow-paced life. They lacked reliance on
technology
therefore
 they had time to enjoy and connect with other
people
 and nature.
Furthermore
,
people
 usually interact with each other face-to-face.
This
 led those
people
 to connect between
a
Correct determiner usage
one
show examples
 person and another and had a huge impact on
people
's relationships.
On the other hand
,
although
 the connection with other
people
 was strong, it is undeniable that the appearance of
technology
 had a great impact on
people
’s lives.
Due to
 the presence of
technology
, lots of living conditions have
updated
Verb problem
changed
show examples
 drastically
such
 as health care services, communications and
overall
 conveniences.
People
 living in the 21st century have the advantage
to absorb
Change preposition
of absorbing
show examples
 and
access
Wrong verb form
accessing
show examples
 new knowledge in the blink of an eye. They can educate themselves in various subjects and communicate with others globally without any difficulty.
Moreover
,
people
 will have more economic opportunities
such
 as career prospects, investments and trades across the world, to enhance their living conditions, even the illiterate. In conclusion, the presence of
technology
 has made the living quality of
people
 easier and preferable in their lives than IN the older times.
Submitted by weezel on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a more coherent logical structure by using clear topic sentences that directly address the question and by adhering to one main idea per paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Improve the cohesiveness of the essay by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to better connect ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Include a clear thesis statement in the introduction and a summary of main points in the conclusion to enhance task achievement.
task achievement
Develop ideas more thoroughly by elaborating on examples and explaining their relevance to the topic in greater depth.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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