IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In today's world, the percentage of obese kids in Western nations has displayed a significant growth
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
 approximately 20% during the
last
Linking Words
 ten years. Many people think the cause may be the existence of large-scale takeaway or fast
food
Use synonyms
 centres,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that a few physical education
classes
Use synonyms
 may be the major factor for children being overweight.
This
Linking Words
 essay will try to outline the reasons and effects of
this
Linking Words
 negative trend.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, nowadays, many and many people choose fast
food
Use synonyms
 over homemade
food
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 some
reasons
Fix the agreement mistake
reason
show examples
 and children from western regions are no exception. To be more clear,
for instance
Linking Words
, the kids may consume fast
food
Use synonyms
 because their
parents
Use synonyms
 work and do not have spare time to prepare something for them and as junk
food
Use synonyms
 contains a huge amount of fat and sugar offspring may get obese with ease.
Thus
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
' not careful attention towards their kids' healthy diet may result in obesity growth. To cite an example, my acquaintance who currently lives in Belgium suffers from being fat and his mother said
that is
Linking Words
 her own fault that his son frequently eats in fast
food
Use synonyms
 places because she cannot manage to do that work too.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the government often neglect the importance of
sports
Use synonyms
 activities in educational institutes and they remove almost all
sports
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 from school curriculums. Saying thoroughly, schoolchildren rarely exercise which leads to the increasing percentage of obese pupils.
In other words
Linking Words
, they are deprived of doing
sports
Use synonyms
 where they could burn their extra weight.
For example
Linking Words
, I was approximately 50kg at the age of 8, because I hated doing private
sports
Use synonyms
 activities and as I seldom had physical education
classes
Use synonyms
, it had a double bad impact on me. In a nutshell, it is apt
to conclude
Linking Words
 that both the government and
parents
Use synonyms
 have their amount of fault for
this
Linking Words
 disturbing trend among children.In terms of
parents
Use synonyms
, they are not willing to find extra time and allocate it for preparing even easy-prepared meals
such
Linking Words
 as rice or pasta.
Lastly
Linking Words
, with regard to the government, they find
sports
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 unuseful and pointless which
also
Linking Words
 contributes to the obesity rate accession among youngsters.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try to develop a more structured approach, with clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph that guide the reader throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Include a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion; ensure the conclusion summarises the ideas discussed and restates your position without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Make sure all main points are clearly supported with specific details. Increase the use of examples that are directly related to the prompt to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure a full response to all parts of the task by addressing causes and effects, and by providing examples from your knowledge or experience that are specific and relevant to the topic.
task achievement
Work on organising ideas more logically and comprehensively by grouping similar ideas in the same paragraph and using connecting words to show the relationship between ideas.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
Look at other essays: