Some think that hosting an international sporting event is beneficial for a country while others disagree (advantages / disadvantages)
International
events
such
as Olympic
games, Correct article usage
the Olympic
FIFA
World
cup
and F1 Grand Prix are very popular. Capitalize word
Cup
Therefore
, some would argue that international events
could bringing
several advantages to Change the verb form
bring
be bringing
its
host Change the word
the
country
, however
some Add a comma
however,
are disagree
with that statement. Change the verb form
disagree
This
essay will argue despite international events
are
very expensive to Wrong verb form
being
held
, the benefits outweigh the drawbacks because Change the form of the verb
hold
it
attract a lot of tourism
Correct pronoun usage
they
FIFA
Correct article usage
The FIFA
World
Cup
2022 that
held in Correct pronoun usage
apply
Qatar
last
year costs
around a whopping 40 billion US Wrong verb form
cost
dollar
. It is because the Fix the agreement mistake
dollars
Qatar
government must build a massive infrastructure to support this
event beside build
several behemoth stadiums. Change preposition
besides building
This
infrasturcture
Correct your spelling
infrastructure
ranging
from public transport to accommodation since there will be many Wrong verb form
ranges
tourist
Change to a plural noun
tourists
flooded
the Wrong verb form
flooding
country
during the event. Obviously, the public transportation system and accommodation must be upgraded to ensure the convinience
of supporters during the event. Correct your spelling
convenience
Moreover
, the total number of workers who build
Wrong verb form
built
this
project are
Unnecessary verb
apply
also
skyrocketed alongside with
the salary expense that Change preposition
apply
Qatar
government should pay to workers.
Despite hosting international sporting Correct article usage
the Qatar
events
are
draing some Correct subject-verb agreement
is
nation
savings, it could Replace the word
national
attrract
many international Correct your spelling
attract
tourist
. Change to a plural noun
tourists
For example
, more than 2 million people visited Qatar
last
year to watch FIFA
World
Cup
2022. As a result
, Qatar
's income boosted
to around 33 billion US Add a missing verb
was boosted
dollar
, thanks to the tourism sector Fix the agreement mistake
dollars
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
receive
a huge amount of money from Correct subject-verb agreement
receives
the
Correct article usage
apply
tourist
during Fix the agreement mistake
tourists
World
Correct article usage
the World
Cup
. Moreover
, by hosting international events
it will open thousands of job opportunity
in the host Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
country
. As a result
, it will reduce the unemployment rate in that country
. For instance
, based on reports that
released by Correct pronoun usage
apply
Qatar
Ministry of Workforce, Correct article usage
the Qatar
it
state that the Correct pronoun usage
apply
number of
unemployment rate in Correct quantifier usage
apply
Qatar
drop
to only around 2% during Wrong verb form
dropped
FIFA
Correct article usage
the FIFA
World
Cup
2022.
In conclusion, despite to held
Wrong verb form
holding
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
events
are
very expensive the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because Wrong verb form
being
it
can attract tourism from all Correct pronoun usage
they
aorund
the Correct your spelling
around
world
.Submitted by rahmanparentio on
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coherence cohesion
Ensure that your essay maintains a logical order throughout, and follow a more structured approach with clear paragraphs. Introduce your main points in the introduction and then develop each one in its own paragraph with clear topic sentences for better logical structure.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to demonstrate your ability to discuss ideas and to connect sentences and paragraphs more smoothly. This will enhance the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
To improve task achievement, focus on answering the question fully by addressing both the advantages and disadvantages equally. Your essay currently provides an imbalanced view, focusing more on the positive aspects.
task achievement
You could improve the clarity and sophistication of your ideas by exploring each point further and by showing a more nuanced understanding of the topic. Avoid repeating the same idea and rather develop your argument further to demonstrate a comprehensive understanding of the issue.
task achievement
Incorporate a greater variety of specific examples to support your points. While you provided some examples related to the FIFA World Cup in Qatar, offering diverse examples from different events or countries can strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Watch out for spelling and grammar mistakes, as well as the correct use of articles and prepositions. Proofreading your work can greatly eliminate such errors and improve the overall quality of your writing.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example