IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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In modern times, the issue of sugary products’ effect on
health
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 has become highly controversial. There are those who say that a high dose of sugar has a significant role in our body
as well as
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health
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 diseases. I completely agree with
this
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 statement, and in
this
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 essay, I will discuss the reasons for
this
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 and provide examples from my knowledge and experience to support my viewpoint. A range of factors make it much more acceptable. Most instrumentally, if the sugar price is comparatively low
then
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 fast foods and sugary foods and drinks like soft drinks, desserts, ice creams, and sodas come cheap and are ready to be consumed without any effort.
As a result
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,
Firstly
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,
health
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 is a crucial part of the large amount of population in a country
that is
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 increasing
health
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 diseases.
For instance
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, obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and low vision of the eye.
Also
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, it may be challenging to control
while
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 eating sugary foods, especially for our baby or the next generation.
In addition
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, our
health
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 care system costs significantly will be grown up.
Secondly
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, from a social point of view, if we only look at the departmental stores around us, we can notice that we have sugary items all around us, and they are affordable. From a practical point of view, another key argument in support of
this
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 idea is that it will be difficult to manage recycling.
Due to
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this
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, people are eating them and after having them cans, plastic, bottles etc. here and there, which is creating environmental pollution. A survey directed by The World
Health
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 Organization in 2019,
for instance
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, published that on average, fast food products produce around 2 million tons of garbage in a day around the world. In conclusion, it is clearly visible that like everything else in
this
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 world, both of these have pros and cons.
However
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, in my personal view, the bright sides of sugary food should be made more expensive by authorities to save and being well large population and the upcoming new generation.

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coherence cohesion
Focus on developing your main points with clear, specific examples that directly support your argument, ensuring that each paragraph contains a single, coherent idea that is fully elaborated.
task achievement
Ensure that your essay addresses all parts of the task, presenting a clear position throughout the response and using your examples to directly answer the essay question.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow of ideas, using a range of cohesive devices to link ideas, sentences, and paragraphs together more effectively. This helps guide the reader through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with grammar and punctuation, as these can detract from the clarity of your argument. Practice complex sentence structures, but make sure they are used correctly.
task achievement
Use a wider range of vocabulary and sentence structures to articulate your points more precisely and showcase your language abilities.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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