IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that developing a successful career is more important than spending time with family and friends, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#people #career #time #friends
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In many countries, it is common to see that
people
 nowadays focus on their
career
 and
work
 performance.
While
 some
people
 believe that it is necessary to make a good
career
 than maintaining bonding with family and
friends
, some others have opposite
opinion
Fix the agreement mistake
opinions
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both views even though I completely agree that workers ought to put family and
friends
 as the first priority. On one hand, a successful
career
 can be an important milestone
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 someone's life. Once they get a job, there is a strong willingness to escalate their position at
work
. To make it happen, an employee tends to
work
 harder and put other things aside,
for example
 abandoning their quality
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 with
familiy
Correct your spelling
family
 and
friends
. They think that the more they focus on their job, the better the performances they will probably do;
therefore
 the faster they can develop their
careeer
Correct your spelling
career
carer
.
On the other hand
, some other
people
 choose family and
friends
 over their
career
.
This
 type of
persons
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
believe
Change the verb form
believes
show examples
 that relationships between
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 are more significant than
work
 achievements in their lives.
For example
, they are not interested in taking extra hours to stay in the office or make their days off the most with their children and
partner
Fix the agreement mistake
partners
show examples
. By prioritizing family and
friends
, they expect that they can improve their mood,
hence
 they can perform better at
work
. In conclusion, a good quality of relationships with family and
friends
 can influence job
performances
Fix the agreement mistake
performance
show examples
. In my opinion,
people
 who allocate enough time with their
beloved
Correct your spelling
loved
show examples
 ones can
be still achieve
Change the verb form
still achieve
show examples
 a good
career
 at
work
.
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task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the task by providing more detailed argumentation and specific examples to support your points. Try to develop your arguments further to create a more complete response to the prompt.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, consider adding more linking phrases and transition words to better connect your ideas. It would also be beneficial to clearly distinguish your paragraphs and make sure each one starts with a clear topic sentence. This will improve the logical structure of your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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