IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

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A great number of meal and beverage products include a great level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 and it leads to plenty of medical issues. Despite
this
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 fact, I am inclined to believe that an increase in
sugar
Use synonyms
's cost would conflict with humans' rights because they have to pay more than
its
Correct your spelling
it is
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 worth and it is redundant. First of all, there are other things that are more harmful than
sugar
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,
such
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 as alcohol or cigarettes. Compared to medical issues related to cigarettes,
sugar
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 is negligible. If they feel like there should be a price regulation
according to
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 the level of harmless,
sugar
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 probably would be at
last
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.
Moreover
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, from my point of view, a regulation like
that is
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 not appropriate.
People
Use synonyms
 have
right
Correct article usage
the right
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 to buy things more cheaply. There are
people
Use synonyms
 who barely afford their food and it would be unfair to them. Humans should put a limitation on themselves and it should be up to their own conscience. If governments want to stop overusing, they may start projects so as to raise awareness and
thus
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,
people
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 would realise.
For example
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, If I were president, I would not increase alcohol prices, I would start campaigns for
people
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 who are addicted.
On the other hand
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,
sugar
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 may cause medical issues but it is related to its amount. The human body
also
Linking Words
 needs it per day in order to make ATP (an energy unit). Without it, our brains would not work or we would be unconscious. Every reaction, muscle movement, brain activity or even breathing
are
Change the verb form
is
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 associated with ATPs. What I mean is it has both pros and cons. It depends on human beings to consume enough to run their body system.
For instance
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, lack of vitamin D causes bone diseases but overusing it may
also
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 cause liver diseases. It is all about taking everything not less and
also
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 not much.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
sugar
Use synonyms
 should not be more expensive, it should be
Add an article
a
show examples
preference to how much use it and it is not only detrimental, it has
also
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 benefits.

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introduction conclusion
Ensure you have a clear introduction and conclusion that state your position on the topic. It can help to use phrases that signal your conclusion is beginning, like 'In conclusion' or 'To sum up'.
logical structure
Work on developing a logical structure by organizing your ideas into clear paragraphs, each with a central idea. Use appropriate linking words to help connect your points and guide the reader through your arguments.
supported main points
Support your main points with clear explanations and relevant examples. Make sure your examples are directly related to the arguments you are making.
task response
Address the task prompt more directly by specifically discussing whether making sugary products more expensive is a good strategy to decrease sugar consumption and the potential consequences of such a policy. Make sure to fully explore your stance on this issue.
coherence
Add more transitions and connectors to improve the flow of your essay. Consider varying your sentence structure to aid coherence and make the essay more engaging.
language accuracy
Be sure to proofread your essay to avoid grammatical errors and ensure that it reads smoothly. Small errors can distract from the strength of your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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