There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
When we talk about
music
we often think about songs or artists, but music
goes way beyond these two words. It is not a modern invention; it has been existing since the beginning of the human appearance on earth but is still considered as
very important to us. Change preposition
apply
Music
is a way to express our feelings to connect with other people. I strongly believe,
Remove the comma
apply
traditional
Correct article usage
the traditional
music
of a country is as important than
the international Change preposition
as
music
.
While
some individuals argue that music
is a burden and should not be considered too much, others believe it helps us. Indeed, music
is essential in our lifestyle. The music
holds such
a power. Indeed, not only can it be an activity but also
helps us evacuate our emotions. For example
, a survey conducted by the University of Sciences Po have
shown that 98% of students who started listening to Change the verb form
has
music
or even played
had Wrong verb form
playing
better
chance Add an article
a better
to
success.
Change preposition
of
Moreover
, it has been discussed that the traditional music
of a country is more important than the international. Although
many individuals want to keep their nation’s history and values, international music
does not necessarily infringe on their culture. For instance
, younger generations are used to listen
to different genres Wrong verb form
listening
such
as pop, rock and so on, it lets them choose between different genres and developing
new tastes and new capacities.
Wrong verb form
develop
To conclude
, music
is a key element to our health and allows us to connect with other people. Additionally
, I strongly believe that both international music
and traditional music
are as important and should not be a social source of problem
.Fix the agreement mistake
problems
Submitted by santos_dij on
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task achievement
Make sure your main points are consistently supported by relevant examples and explanations throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Ensure every paragraph transitions smoothly to maintain better coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
Use more specific examples or data points to support the argument regarding the role of international and traditional music.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly sets the context of the essay and provides a strong starting point.
logical structure
The essay includes a logical structure with a beginning, middle, and conclusion.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points, reinforcing your argument that both types of music are important.
Your opinion
Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.
If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.
Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:
...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?