In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In many nations, teenagers are involved in various
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
of paid
employment
. Some would argue that it is totally wrong,
while
others say that it is fine for
children
to gain work
experience
.
This
essay disagrees
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
allowing
children
working
Change the verb form
to work
show examples
at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
young age, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
experience
they gained, they have
their
Change the word
the
show examples
right
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
time
for
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
hand, working at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
young age
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
their life
experience
. They know how difficult to earn money and understand the real world. It will help them to develop their attitude, work ethic and responsibility at the early stage.
For example
, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
firstborn
child
Change to a plural noun
children
show examples
in Indonesia takes a
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
job to help their family
financial
Change the word
financially
show examples
, it
resulted
Wrong verb form
results
show examples
in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
firstborn
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
has
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
better character compared to their siblings when they grow up.
However
, I believe that adolescent should not involved in any kind of
employment
because their mentality is not ready yet to handle working pressure.
On the other hand
,
children
have
their
Change the word
the
show examples
right
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
their
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
and working at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
could interfere with
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
growth and development process. It
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
prohibited by the regulation of
Correct article usage
the Indonesia
show examples
Indonesia
Correct your spelling
Indonesian
show examples
government related to child protection to prevent
child’s
Change noun form
child
show examples
exploitation and they
only
Add a missing verb
are only
show examples
allowed to get
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
not more than 3 hours a day.
For example
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
paid
employment
schoolboy
Fix the agreement mistake
schoolboys
show examples
and
girl
Fix the agreement mistake
girls
show examples
in Indonesia
working
Wrong verb form
work
show examples
more than 3 hours a day and most of them
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
not finish their study with the belief that the
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
they have
is
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
enough for their future life. I believe that teenagers should not allowed for paid work to ensure they have enough
time
for their educations and growth process. In conclusion,
although
working at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
young age
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
the life
experience
of
children
, it could interfere with their development and that
why
Add a missing verb
is why
show examples
young
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
should not involved in any kind of
employment
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Introduction Development
Start by refining your introduction to provide a clearer outline of the topic and make sure to directly address the task statement by mentioning both views and your own opinion.
Supporting Details
Further develop your main paragraphs by expanding upon your ideas with more specific supporting details and relevant examples to fully illustrate your arguments.
Conclusion Development
Ensure that your conclusion succinctly summarizes both views and restates your opinion, providing a clear end to your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices and incorporate paragraphing to clearly define different ideas and arguments. This will enhance the logical flow of the essay.
Sentence Structure
Work on sentence structures and aim for variety. This will also help in conveying your points more effectively and in a more academically appropriate style.
Task Balance and Exploration
Address both views presented in the prompt equally to more accurately fulfill the task achievement criteria. Make it a point to explore each perspective thoroughly before giving a reasoned conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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