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Band 4.5

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#countries #children #work #people
In many nations, teenagers are involved in various
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of paid
employment
. Some would argue that it is totally wrong,
while
 others say that it is fine for
children
 to gain work
experience
.
This
 essay disagrees
for
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with
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 allowing
children
working
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to work
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 at
the
Correct article usage
a
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 young age, despite
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
experience
 they gained, they have
their
Change the word
the
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 right
for
Change preposition
to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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time
 for
developments
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development
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. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand, working at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 their life
experience
. They know how difficult to earn money and understand the real world. It will help them to develop their attitude, work ethic and responsibility at the early stage.
For example
, many
of
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apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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firstborn
child
Change to a plural noun
children
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 in Indonesia takes a
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
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time
 job to help their family
financial
Change the word
financially
show examples
, it
resulted
Wrong verb form
results
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 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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most
of
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apply
show examples
firstborn
child
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children
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has
Wrong verb form
having
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 better character compared to their siblings when they grow up.
However
, I believe that adolescent should not involved in any kind of
employment
 because their mentality is not ready yet to handle working pressure.
On the other hand
,
children
 have
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 right
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
developments
Fix the agreement mistake
development
show examples
 and working at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young
ages
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age
show examples
 could interfere with
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 growth and development process. It
also
Add a missing verb
is also
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 prohibited by the regulation of
Correct article usage
the Indonesia
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Indonesia
Correct your spelling
Indonesian
show examples
 government related to child protection to prevent
child’s
Change noun form
child
show examples
 exploitation and they
only
Add a missing verb
are only
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 allowed to get
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 not more than 3 hours a day.
For example
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
paid
employment
schoolboy
Fix the agreement mistake
schoolboys
show examples
 and
girl
Fix the agreement mistake
girls
show examples
 in Indonesia
working
Wrong verb form
work
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 more than 3 hours a day and most of them
did
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 not finish their study with the belief that the
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 they have
is
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 enough for their future life. I believe that teenagers should not allowed for paid work to ensure they have enough
time
 for their educations and growth process. In conclusion,
although
 working at
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 young age
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 the life
experience
 of
children
, it could interfere with their development and that
why
Add a missing verb
is why
show examples
 young
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 should not involved in any kind of
employment
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Introduction Development
Start by refining your introduction to provide a clearer outline of the topic and make sure to directly address the task statement by mentioning both views and your own opinion.
Supporting Details
Further develop your main paragraphs by expanding upon your ideas with more specific supporting details and relevant examples to fully illustrate your arguments.
Conclusion Development
Ensure that your conclusion succinctly summarizes both views and restates your opinion, providing a clear end to your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices and incorporate paragraphing to clearly define different ideas and arguments. This will enhance the logical flow of the essay.
Sentence Structure
Work on sentence structures and aim for variety. This will also help in conveying your points more effectively and in a more academically appropriate style.
Task Balance and Exploration
Address both views presented in the prompt equally to more accurately fulfill the task achievement criteria. Make it a point to explore each perspective thoroughly before giving a reasoned conclusion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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