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Band 5.5

Individuals and countries cannot help everyone who needs help in the world, so they should only be concerned about their own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#individuals #countries #world #communities
It is believed by some that governments should only help their own
citizens
 as it is impossible to help everyone.
While
 I agree that governments ought to prioritise their own people, I
also
 believe that they should help
countries
 which are too poor to help themselves. The main reason why governments should focus on their own
citizens
 first is that if there is a perception that the government is helping other nations at the cost of its
citizens
, it would create resentment among the
citizens
.
In other words
, people might lose faith and protest against their elected government officials if they feel their
hard earned
Add a hyphen
hard-earned
show examples
 tax money is being spent on helping other
countries
 rather than leading to better facilities and services for them. Another reason is that a government’s ability to help other nations depends upon the taxes and finances it collects, which ultimately depend upon
prosperity
Add an article
the prosperity
show examples
 of its own society. If its own society is poor, its capacity to help people in other
countries
 would
also
 be limited.
However
, I
also
 feel
countries
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
especially rich
countries
 should not turn their back on the underprivileged
countries
.
First,
it is the right thing to do from a humanitarian standpoint.
Countries
 which have enough have a moral duty to help those who fail to even meet their basic needs.
Secondly
, it would be mutually beneficial for
rich
Correct article usage
the rich
show examples
 to help the poor. Issues
such
 as diseases, extreme weather events, international migration, organised crime and terrorism have transnational causes. No country can solve these problems ‘by itself’. They need multinational cooperation. The recent Corona pandemic has emphasised the importance of international cooperation even more.
Thus
, it would be beneficial for not only the poor
countries
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 the rich
countries
 to help the poor. In conclusion, I would like to reiterate that
although
countries
 should put their own
citizens
first,
I
also
 believe that they should try to help the deprived nations.
Submitted by aamenis on

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Introduction/Conclusion
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines your viewpoint and that your conclusion effectively sums up your argument, reinforcing your stance without introducing new information.
Cohesion
Develop a more cohesive structure by using a wider range of linking devices and transition phrases to connect ideas smoothly across paragraphs.
Clarity
Enhance clarity by constructing shorter, more straightforward sentences, avoiding overly complex or convoluted structures that may confuse the reader.
Task Achievement
To solidify your arguments, incorporate more specific examples and evidence to support your claims, ensuring that these examples are directly relevant to the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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