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Band 4

Some children spend hours everday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #everday #smartphones #case #development
Massive technological developments turned
to
Change preposition
out to
show examples
 become the biggest phenomenon happening on Earth
this
 past decade. Innovation made by scientists, particularly in
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
 and Technology (IT) sector, has led to the existence of some devices,
such
 as smartphones.
Furthermore
, the access of obtaining a smartphone has been improved, leading to a wide and long
use
 of
this
 device by people
with
Change preposition
of
show examples
 various ages, including
children
 who tend to
use
 it excessively.
However
, despite the positive impacts of possessing a smartphone,
this
 development has been known to create bigger drawbacks, especially for
children
. These disadvantages
are including
Wrong verb form
include
show examples
 the decrement of brain functions and communication skills.
For instance
, most
children
 are found to be spending their time on their smartphones more than the appropriate duration of
use
, which is only 3 hours a day.
This
 habitual activity has been proven
affecting
Change the verb form
to affect
show examples
 their brain function, supported by
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 fact that some
children
 struggle to focus on their studies.
In addition
 to that, using
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
show examples
 for a long duration might play a significant role in decreasing
communication
Correct article usage
the communication
show examples
 skills of
children
. Some
children
 prefer spending their time playing games to playing with real friends.
This
 phenomenon would definitely
results
Change the verb form
result
show examples
 in
children
 with
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of communication skills if happens in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 run. As a way of conclusion, the outcomes of
this
 development seem to be negative rather than positive.
Thus
, parents as guardians must be wise in letting their
children
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
use
 smartphones.
Submitted by ferdimasabrar2072 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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