IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some children spend hours everyday on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Over the past decade, monumental technological advancements have become the defining phenomenon on a global scale. Innovations led by scientists, particularly in the Internet and Technology (IT) sector, have given rise to transformative devices
such
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 as
smartphones
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. The heightened accessibility of these devices has resulted in their widespread and extended use, a trend observed across various age groups, including
children
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 who often find themselves immersed in prolonged smartphone interactions. Despite the positive attributes associated with smartphone ownership, the consequences of
this
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 technological surge, particularly for
children
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, are noteworthy. A significant drawback lies in the adverse impact on cognitive functions and
communication
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skills
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.
For instance
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, a survey conducted by a game developer in Indonesia reveals that a substantial majority of
children
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 surpass the recommended daily usage limit of three to four hours on
smartphones
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.
This
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 extended exposure has been correlated with challenges in concentration and academic performance among
children
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.
Moreover
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, the protracted use of
smartphones
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 poses a potential threat to
children
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's
communication
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skills
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. Many
children
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 are inclined towards solitary activities,
such
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 as playing games or watching animations indoors, rather than participating in outdoor activities with peers.
This
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 trend raises concerns about long-term deficiencies in interpersonal
communication
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skills
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. In conclusion, the consequences of the widespread adoption of
smartphones
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, particularly among
children
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, lean more towards the negative spectrum. Empirical evidence,
such
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 as the survey in Indonesia, underscores the potential harm to cognitive functions and
communication
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skills
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.
Therefore
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, parents and guardians must exercise prudence in regulating their
children
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's smartphone usage to safeguard their well-being and ensure a balanced development.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body, and conclusion. These elements are well established in your essay, however, developing a stronger thesis in the introduction could enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your main points in a logical manner. Each paragraph should clearly represent one main idea, supported by specific examples or evidence. While your essay has a logical structure, including more specific examples could strengthen your argument.
Task Achievement
Task response refers to how fully you answer the question. Ensure that you address all parts of the task. You have satisfactorily addressed the task, but there is room to develop your explanation and position more fully.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link your ideas together. Try to avoid repetition and strive to use synonyms and paraphrasing to create a more complex structure.
Task Achievement
With task achievement, it's crucial to provide relevant examples to underline your main points. Expand your argument by adding more concrete examples or data to support your claims and statements.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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