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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say that children should stay in school until the age of 18 others, suggest that educating children until the age of 14 is enough. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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There is an argument that, keeping children in
school
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 until the
age
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 of 18 would be a suitable idea.
On the other hand
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, some others know the
age
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 of 14 as the right
age
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 for leaving
school
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. I will debate both views and I will reveal my point of view in the conclusion part. The humankind like other creatures requires some skills to become able to live in a broader society.
This
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 preparation is done in schools to a great extent. Since the
age
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 of 18 is considered as legal
age
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 before
this
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 stage children should gain the ability to realize and analyze the circumstances because, in real society, they will come across some people who want to make a fool of them or hurt them.
Thus
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, the
age
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 of 18 is assessed as the range in which kids are mature enough to come into the adult world.
In contrast
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, some people assume that the sooner kids come out from academic institutes the better it is. In fact, some of the lessons which are taught to students are not functional in daily life
such
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 as algebra or geometry.
Thus
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, if some of these topics are eliminated the educational time span could be reduced.
Also
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, the rest of their time to the legal
age
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 could be consumed for training manual and functional units to become a fruitful person.
To sum up
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, staying in
school
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 until the
age
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 of 18 might be beneficial for kids to recognize the truth way more conveniently.
However
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, the pupils who leave the
school
Use synonyms
 in childhood have more time to become a perfectionist.

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coherence cohesion
You have a solid grasp on structuring your essay, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. To further enhance your essay, try to include a wider variety of linking words and phrases to smoothly connect your ideas and paragraphs.
task achievement
Your essay discusses both views effectively and presents your opinion in the conclusion, which is good for task achievement. To score even higher, ensure that each argument is supported by more detailed examples and explanations. This makes your points more convincing and enriches your essay.
structure
Introduction and conclusion clearly presented, effectively framing your discussion and opinion.
balance
You have made a clear effort to address both sides of the argument before stating your own view, which is essential for the task.
coherence
Your essay's logical structure helps the reader follow your argumentation easily. Well done on creating a coherent flow of ideas!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • social skills
  • learning disabilities
  • natural development
  • family bonding
  • competitive edge
  • formal education
  • Scandinavian countries
  • academic performance
  • balanced approach
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