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Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
Many
people
 think that
music
 is a positive form
to bring
Change preposition
of bringing
show examples
people
 from different cultures and generations together. I agree with
this
 opinion because
music
 has a lot of ways to make
people
 feel the same things and to unite them. In
this
 essay, I will shed some light to explain more about my thoughts and experiences.
Firstly
,
music
 has come from around the world and has various languages. It can make us know more about the language or culture of a country.
For instance
, nowadays k-pop is one of the most popular
genre
Change to a plural noun
genres
show examples
 in the world that can bring
this
 culture all over the world even to Europe and the United States.
People
 enjoy the rhythm, lyrics, and
also
 the artists who often dance in their video clips or concerts. In order to do that,
people
 are willing to watch their idol's concert with a
high priced
Add a hyphen
high-priced
show examples
 ticket and they come from several different places. They
also
 become known well about Korean culture and its language.
Moreover
,
music
 has a different era but it's not a barrier to other generations enjoying the
music
 because sometimes the lyrics are still related to different cultures and ages. To illustrate, an old love song can be an everlasting song that can used by a couple for their wedding celebration.
Although
 they are in different
era
Fix the agreement mistake
eras
show examples
, but it still lovable and familiar to the guests who come from many generations. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
music
 has several benefits for
people
 not only
to enjoy
Change preposition
for enjoying
show examples
 the song but
also
making
Change preposition
for making
show examples
people
 from different backgrounds come together because they have the same interest in
music
 without seeing where they come from and how old
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
age
Correct your spelling
are
show examples
.
Submitted by hafizahnazir on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your essay follows this basic structure, but the main points could be better elaborated to improve clarity and logical flow.
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve your coherence and cohesion, use a range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and make sure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea with clear supporting details.
Task Achievement
For task achievement, fully answer the question and make sure your opinion is clear throughout the essay. Provide more specific examples and explanations to support your points and demonstrate a fuller understanding and analysis of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion & Task Achievement
Use a range of vocabulary and sentence structures to express your ideas more precisely and to keep the reader engaged. This will also help you demonstrate a higher level of English language proficiency.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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