IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Recent developments in technology have made the T.V screen so live that people not need to go for any live performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree

#developments #technology #v #screen #people #live #performance
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In
this
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 modern era , No doubt technology plays an important role in human life . Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that because of
this
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 development
such
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 as TV
screens
Add a comma
screens,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 do not need to go to any live concerts. I partially agree with the above trend. In
this
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 essay, I will explain both sides by taking examples from the newspapers and magazines.
To begin
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 with , Electronics gadgets
such
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 as fridges,washing machines and televisions are essential parts of
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
day-to-day lives. Live news keeps us updated about global news even though watching live programmes on television is cheaper than attending personally .
for instance
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 , a survey done by the New York Times revealed that 80% of
people
Use synonyms
 are extremely happy to watch live concerts at home
along with
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 their family and friends because
while
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 watching shows at home, they can spend quality time with each other.
As a result
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, they have a good
bonding
Replace the word
bond
show examples
 with each other.
Secondly
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 , No doubt live programmes are more eye-catching and
people
Use synonyms
 can easily attract towards the show and
moreover
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people
Use synonyms
 can enjoy a lot seeing their favourite star in front of their eyes but it can be dangerous too , As an example , a recent performance by Indian Singer Arjeet Singh was held in Delhi but unfortunately fire broke out because of heavy rush many
people
Use synonyms
 got injured.I believe it is very difficult to escape from the crowd if any mishappening happens.
To conclude
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, attending live shows could help in socializing and enhance your personality but watching TV at home is economical and comfortable as compared to live concerts.
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coherence cohesion
To improve your essay's logical structure, work on connecting your ideas more smoothly. Transition words and phrases can help bridge the gap between your sentences and paragraphs, creating a fluid progression of thoughts.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and introduce the topic and summarize your argument, but they could be strengthened by clearly stating your position on the matter in the introduction and succinctly reiterating your main points in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with more focused arguments and a wider range of linking words. Make sure each paragraph has a clear central idea, which is then elaborated upon with examples and explanations.
task achievement
To achieve a complete response to the task, ensure that your essay comprehensively addresses all parts of the prompt. Make your stance on the issue clear throughout, not just partially, and maintain focus on the question without digressing.
task achievement
Your ideas are clear, but ensure they are comprehensive by fully developing each point. Expand on your reasons behind your opinions and include a balanced view when the prompt asks for it.
task achievement
The examples you provided are specific and relevant, but try to integrate them more directly into your argument to enhance the cohesiveness of your response. Use examples to directly support your statements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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