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Writing Samples /
Band 6

Director and mangers are mostly older people. Some people believe young people will become better leaders. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#director #mangers #people #leaders
Some
people
 think that young
people
 will become better leaders,whilst directors and managers in general are older
people
. I partly agree with
this
 statement that young
people
 should be in the first place. On the one hand, most older
people
 in leadership have gained valuable experience,which can help maintain their employees. They know what to do in extreme situations and how to be confident.
Moreover
,the vast majority of directors and managers have made wide decisions,which undoubtedly saved their company from being bankrupt and losing their business.
For example
, we can see that many companies which are popular nowadays have an old leader,who inspires faith in his workers and knows what is best for sale. Age in most cases is comparable to safety and responsibility.
On the other hand
, young
people
 in leadership are more creative and have certain characteristics to become successful directors. Many of them,
due to
 their age, can work harder and achieve more goals.
For example
,Mark Zuckerberg, owner and leader of Facebook,was
young
Rephrase
too young
show examples
 to do his company,
however
, he made it on the most popular social platform Facebook,which made him successful with his ideas.
However
,many young leaders should study more to achieve
this
 goal and have to practice through their mistakes,which makes them more effective and confident.
Overall
, most owners of companies and managers are older,
due to
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 fact they are more familiar with their work,which makes them confident and they know what to do in extreme situations, because they have gained valuable experience. Regardless of their ages,the vast majority of leaders should be young,because they need
practice
Fix the infinitive
to practice
show examples
 from mistakes,to be good
leader
Fix the agreement mistake
leaders
show examples
.
Submitted by batirka06 on

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Task Achievement
You've presented a balanced view, acknowledging the value of experience older leaders bring while also recognizing the innovative potentials of younger leaders. To enhance your essay, consider expanding on each point with more in-depth analysis and examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. To improve, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to show the relationship between ideas more clearly.
Task Achievement
Providing examples like Mark Zuckerberg helps to support your argument about the potential of young leaders.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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