IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #health #sports #facilities #effect #measures
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These days, there has been a dramatic increase in the
number
 of researches about the methods to improve public health. Some people believe that the effective way is to increase the
number
 of sports facilities,
while
 others feel that
this
 has little effect and other things should be involved. In
this
 essay, both views will be discussed with examples. One of the main reasons which cause some individuals to think that more sports amenities would help
this
 is that it would encourage them to do workouts.
This
 means that if you see someone who is working out in
park
Add an article
the park
a park
show examples
, you will be motivated to persuade him.
As a consequence
, the
number
 of these humans will
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 day by day.
Moreover
, They feel that high prices of these machines,
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 humans would have an opportunity to
workout
Correct your spelling
work
show examples
.
As a result
, more facilities would decrease the prices, which
enables
Wrong verb form
would enable
show examples
 poorer individuals to do
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
.
On the other hand
, others argue that
this
 method would not be effective enough, and other options are required. They feel that
although
 doing exercises can be helpful, it can not prevent some from smoking. To tackle
this
 ,the government should ban people from smoking in public locations, which would decrease the
number
 of smokers and it would be a great contributor.
In addition
, They feel that a healthy diet can play an important role in
this
. So, the government should raise the tax on junk food.
As a result
, fewer people might face obesity and deal with other diseases.
For instance
, in Iran, these kinds of food are pricy, and the statistic illustrates that only 30 per cent of the society
tend
Correct subject-verb agreement
tends
show examples
 to purchase them. In conclusion, there are arguments about how to help public health get better. Some believe there should be more sports amenities,
however
, others think there are other ways. I tend to agree with the second idea, and in my opinion,
instead
 of concentrating on one factor, we should think about more options,
such
 as decreasing the
number
 of smokers.
Submitted by Ah.mahdavi1365 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay has a clear, logical structure that includes an introduction discussing the topic, and a conclusion summarizing your position. Use paragraphs to separate ideas.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with specific examples and explanations. Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas.
task achievement
Ensure that you fully respond to all parts of the task by discussing both views and giving your own opinion clearly. Provide a balanced comparison before stating your conclusion.
task achievement
Use specific, relevant examples to strengthen your arguments. Avoid vague statements by providing evidence or concrete instances that support your points.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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