IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

“Some people believe that exercise is the key to good health while others feel that having a balanced diet is more important.” Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#“some #people #exercise #health #diet
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Nowadays, people pursue to have a healthy
body
. Some argue that having a regular exercise lifestyle helps to achieve
this
 goal,
while
 others suggest that maintaining a nutritious diet is more pivotal.
This
 essay aims to investigate both of these perspectives and from my point of view, it is believed that both of the elements are essential for us to become healthier. In terms of sports activities, it is evident that regular workouts are advantageous to our physical and mental
health
.
For instance
, people sweat when attending cardio classes, and it is probably good for their circulatory and respiratory systems.
Furthermore
, having adequate
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
 helps to release our tension
as well as
 endorphins which make our
body
's natural feel-good hormones,
thus
 it is beneficial to our nervous system. Given these reasons, it seems that exercise is the predominant element of our
health
.
On the other hand
, some believe that having a balanced diet is crucial for our
health
.
As our
Correct word choice
Our
show examples
body
is needed
Wrong verb form
needs
show examples
 to intake different types of nutrition, ranging from protein to vitamins, and all of these ingredients have come from foods.
As a result
, it is recommended that consumers should take a balanced approach to diet and nutrition.
Additionally
, calorie intake influences our
body
 weight and blood pressure.
For instance
, if individuals prefer eating food which is heavy on sugars and fat, it is easier to suffer from obesity
as well as
 heart-related diseases,
hence
 it increases the level of people getting terminal illnesses. All in all, despite the importance of sports activities to our
health
, it is
believe
Change the form of the verb
believed
show examples
 that eating habits are
also
 needed to maintain our
health
.
Submitted by kylewkh726 on

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task achievement
Ensure that both views and your own opinion are discussed equally throughout the essay. While you provided a clear introduction and conclusion, make sure to expand on your examples to fully support your main points. Try to integrate more specific instances or data to strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good overall logical structure, but consider enhancing your use of cohesive devices. Employing a wider range of linking words can help to make the relationships between ideas clearer. Pay attention to paragraph structure to ensure each one has a clear main idea and supporting sentences.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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