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Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, older people who need employment have to compete with younger people. What problems does this cause? And what are the solutions?

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It is evident that the young have to fight against elderly
people
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 to obtain
jobs
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. I think
this
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 may cause a job shortage for civilians and can be solved by increasing the amount of old pensions. The furious competition is projected to lead to the increased number of unemployed citizens because the society does not have adequate vocations. As we all know, the number of
jobs
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 that the world can provide is vested. So when the elderly join the team of hunting vocations, there will be more
people
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 being linked to the remained number of
jobs
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.
As a result
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, more
people
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 will be unable to find a job to earn money for themselves.
For instance
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, a city may only want 100 dentists and there used to be 110 workers requiring these opportunities, but with the participation of the elderly, now there are 150
people
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 competing with each other, which increases the unemployment rate.
This
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 will cause damage to the standard of life and civilians will not feel happy at that time. In my opinion, the method of resolving
this
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 situation is to spend more money on elderly
people
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 and
then
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 most of them would not need to find a vocation. The majority of
people
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 do not consider working as an interesting thing. So if they do not have to work, they are unwilling to find
jobs
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 and just hope to do the things they are interested in.
For example
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, they are likely to go fishing, reading, playing instruments,
as well as
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 exercising, which can contribute to a lower level of competition and provide more job requirements——they need
people
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 to service them!
To sum up
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, a higher unemployment rate can be caused by competition and
people
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 will live an unpleasant life. A useful way is to give the elderly more money.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and that each sentence supports that idea. Avoid diverging into unrelated topics.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a more varied sentence structure and incorporate transitional phrases to enhance flow and cohesion between ideas.
task achievement
Attempt to cover all parts of the prompt entirely. It’s important to address both the problems and solutions comprehensively, ensuring no part of the question is neglected.
task achievement
Incorporate more detailed and specific examples to support your arguments. Specific examples help in making your arguments more convincing and grounded in reality.
task achievement
Be mindful of the clarity and comprehensiveness of your essay. Each paragraph should contribute to the overall argument or discussion in a meaningful way.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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