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Band 5.5

In recent years, people in many countries have been able to afford more material possessions such as electronic kitchen appliances, computers and vehicles. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of this increased level of affluence, and give your opinion about whether this is a positive or negative development.

#years #people #countries #possessions #kitchen #appliances #computers #vehicles #level #affluence #development
People
 in many countries have been able to afford more material possessions in recent years,
such
 as electronic kitchen appliances,
computers
, and vehicles. Some
people
 believe that
this
 is an advantage because it helps
people
 lead an easier life,
whereas
 others believe
otherwise
. Even though these advancements can produce more methane and fossil fuel consumption, I believe that it is an advantage because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
show examples
people
 an easier life, less amount of chores,
safety
, and easier communication techniques. Arguably, the
use
 of material possessions
such
 as vehicles can emit significantly more greenhouse gasses and require the
use
 of fossil fuels, which are a limited resource.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that
this
 improvement necessitates the
use
 of gas. Cars, buses, and vans emit methane, which contributes to global warming. More
people
 driving their own cars can hasten climate change and have a negative impact on the Earth. Having said that, the
use
 of improvements brings many benefits and assurances of
safety
 to civilians' daily lives.
People
 can now save a lot of time and have fewer chores to do with electronic kitchen appliances.
For example
,
instead
 of washing dishes by hand,
people
 can
use
 a dishwasher, which takes much less time and is twice as convenient. Civilians no longer have to rely on buses or public transportation, which saves money and is more convenient. It
also
 ensures
safety
 in the face of the ongoing pandemic
that is
occuring
Correct your spelling
occurring
 around the globe.
Computers
 can
also
 help with
safety
, and
computers
 and electronic devices can help with communication.
Instead
 of meeting in person,
people
 can communicate via online meetings and calls, which eliminates the need for them to go outside and risk becoming ill
as a result
 of the pandemic
while
 still communicating with others. In brief, more
people
 being able to afford more advancements
such
 as electronic kitchen appliances,
computers
 and vehicles can bring disadvantages
such
 as more methane released and
use
 of fossil fuel.
However
, they can
also
 bring a lot of advantages
such
 as a more convenient lifestyle, saving time, and a higher guarantee of
safety
.
Submitted by ngocnamkhue.nguyen on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance your score in logical structure, strive to present your ideas in a more organized manner. Create clear topic sentences for each paragraph, and use linking signals to guide the reader through your arguments.
Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure that the introduction and conclusion encapsulate the main points effectively. Your introduction should clearly state the purpose of the essay, while the conclusion should summarize your arguments and restate your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Support your main points with more detailed and varied examples. Use data, expert opinions, or hypothetical scenarios to illustrate your arguments, making them more convincing and substantial.
Task Achievement
You've done well in providing a complete response to the task, but to improve, be sure to address all parts of the prompt in depth. Expand on the advantages and disadvantages with equal measure to show a balanced discussion.
Task Achievement
Work on articulating your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Aim for precision in language use and clarify your arguments to enhance the reader's understanding.
Task Achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples that are directly linked to the points you're making. This will strengthen your arguments and demonstrate an understanding of the topic's nuances.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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