IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extend do you agree or disgree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages #disgree
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It is believed by some
people
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 that a good way to gather
people
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 from a diverse
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
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 cultures and ages is by using
music
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.
This
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 essay will explain how I agree with
this
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 statement and provide
further
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 explanations to base
this
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 stance
on
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.
Music
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 is known for having a great range of genres,
such
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 as classic, rock, and pop, even the combination of two genres could make one type of genre.
Although
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music
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 is divided by a category of genre, there aren't any rules regarding who can listen to a certain type of it. No matter where they are from or how old they are, any type of
music
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 category can be enjoyed by someone who loves to listen to it.
For example
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, even though we often find those who listen to rock are majority teenagers, there are
also
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 some over 60 years old or even little kids who are an avid listener of rock
music
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 as well.
Thus
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,
music
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 can bring
people
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 together from any background because there are no restrictions on who can listen to it. Since
music
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 can be enjoyed by anyone from any culture and age, oftentimes it is used as a form of entertainment in any kind of
event
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.
For instance
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, there is some
music
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 that accompanies a wedding ceremony
event
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 and for that, many guests from adults to children, are
getting
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apply
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entertained by it and in fact, if the occasion is suitable they will
also
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 dance to it
along with
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 the groom and bride.
This
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 shows how
music
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 can gather
people
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 together in an
event
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 because it entertains them
as well as
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 encourages them to
also
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 enjoy the activity they did in that
event
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. In conclusion,
it is clear that
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music
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 is beneficial in uniting
people
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 from various cultures and ages because of how it can be widely enjoyed by a lot of
people
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.
Submitted by racharrisons on

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task achievement
Make sure to thoroughly develop your main points with specific examples. While you've used examples in your essay, more detailed illustrations could strengthen your argument by showing how music influences cultural and generational unity.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical flow of ideas. Connect your arguments better through the use of cohesive devices and clearer topic sentences that introduce the points in your paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Although you have an introduction and conclusion, ensure that your conclusion more effectively summarizes the arguments presented in the essay, reflecting a complete understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your essay has coherent ideas but striving for a more comprehensive analysis will enhance clarity. Expand on your existing statements to make your ideas more comprehensive; this could involve explaining the mechanisms behind how music fosters unity or providing contrasting viewpoints for balance.
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