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Writing Samples
Band 6

The concept of success has varying interpretations. Some individuals attribute success to hard work and determination, while others emphasize factors such as wealth and physical appearance as being more influential. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some
people
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 argue that the definition of
success
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 is contributed to a hard-working and determined
attitude
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, the others consider that affluence and
appearance
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 are the symbols of
success
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. In my opinion, a hard and determined
attitude
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 are the main elements toward
to
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apply
show examples
success
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. On the one hand,
people
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 consider
richness
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 and
appearance
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 to be more effective since it give an objective criterion of
success
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.
Firstly
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, the number defines the standard of
richness
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.
Richness
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 is an abstract concept,
however
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, with numbers, it give
people
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 an idea of more and less,
therefore
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, numbers become a standard to define
richness
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. Similar to
appearance
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,
people
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 buy luxury to show their consuming capability, which
also
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 draws a standard and gives an impression of affluence.
For instance
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, a lady carrying a Hermes Kelly bag, we will intuitively think she is wealthy enough to afford a million hand-carry bag.
On the other hand
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, a hard-working and determined
attitude
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 are indispensable personal traits leading to
success
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. First of all, hard-working represent that focus on the target and put into all the effort. Many
people
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 face mistakes or failure
instead
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 of finding solutions, they just give up. They do not focus on goals and trying their best is the major reason why they cannot achieve
success
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.
Secondly
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, a determined
attitude
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 is an execution ability. A lot of
people
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 are indecisive,
in particular
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 in making decisions. A person who is determined will make decisions after careful consideration, and make a move, which leads to
success
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. In conclusion, I believe that a hard-working and determined
attitude
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 is an indispensable personal trait leading to
success
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,
although
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richness
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 and
appearance
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 give an objective criterion of
success
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.

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly outlines the two views and your own opinion without getting into the details of the argument. Your current introduction can be more focused.
task achievement
When discussing both views, dedicate one body paragraph to each view, ensuring a clear distinction between the two positions.
task achievement
Develop your main points with clear and specific examples to better illustrate your arguments and increase the persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating more sophisticated connections between your ideas. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
In the conclusion, summarize the key points of both views and restate your own opinion more emphatically and concisely.
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