IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Nowadays people moving to other countries to seek job. Some people think it affects the children of such home negatively while some others think it is beneficial to them. Discuss both sides and state your opinion.

#people #countries #job #children #home
In
this
 modern era, money is considered to be the most important element in someone's life. To get
this
, a normal individual works more than enough to fulfil his
as well as
 his
family
Change noun form
family's
show examples
 needs. There is an ongoing trend, in which
people
 prefer to
move
 to
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
 to get a
job
 which can complete their requirements.
In contrast
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 believe that it can affect their kids and family in their home.
This
 essay will present both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
perspectives and will provide my opinion before an appropriate conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are many nations which have low
economy
Fix the agreement mistake
economies
show examples
 and
thus
 because of it the citizens
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
there
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
struggle to meet the financial requirements. In order to avoid it,
people
 prefer to
move
 to
other country
Change the wording
another country
other countries
show examples
 with
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 economy and would love to work there so that they can be stable.
Additionally
, it is
also
 seen that
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many places there are shortage of jobs, and because of
this
 reason
also
, they decide to
move-on
Correct your spelling
move on
show examples
.
For example
, In
Africa
Add a comma
Africa,
show examples
 it is seen that many of the young generation prefer to
move
 to
new
Add an article
a new
show examples
 country like Dubai, where they can do a
job
 and
also
 earn money for their survival.
In contrast
, if the main person of the family is moving
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
 it can make a big impact on their family members. Both the kids and her partner would not have enough
to spend
Verb problem
apply
show examples
time to spend with her partner, and
this
 thing
also
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 a big impact on the child's nurturing. To prove it, in
America
Add a comma
America,
show examples
 it is seen that majority of the the
people
 send their children to kindergarten and
thus
 they don't have enough time to spend with them. In conclusion,
although
 the man
prefer
Change the verb form
prefers
show examples
 to
move
 to
other place
Change the wording
another place
other places
show examples
 to do his
job
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think that if a person is facing some financial needs
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 he should
move
 to
other place
Change the wording
another place
other places
show examples
 to get
job
Add an article
a job
the job
show examples
, but should
also
 manage time with his family.
However
this
 trend seems to be normal in
this
 era, most
people
 don't believe it
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
 a drawback.
Submitted by hlife4454 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Make sure to provide a clear introduction that outlines the main points that will be discussed in the essay.
body
Focus on developing clear and distinct main points with more detailed explanations and examples.
coherence
Improve paragraphing by starting a new paragraph for each main idea, ensuring your essay has a logical flow.
cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to help the reader follow your arguments from one sentence to another.
task
Fully address all parts of the task, ensuring that both sides of the argument are covered before stating your own opinion.
examples
Support your points with specific examples and explain how they relate to the topic.
grammar
Check your work for grammatical errors and typos to improve the overall clarity and professionalism of the essay.
conclusion
Ensure your conclusion summarizes your main points and restates your opinion clearly.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: