IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The money given to help poor countries does not solve the problem of poverty, so rich countries should give other types of help instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #countries #poverty
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Nowadays, rich nations provide poor communities with financial
aid
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;
however
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,
this
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 solution has proven to be ineffective which is why it is stated that wealthy
countries
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 should find other ways to contribute. I strongly agree with
this
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 statement, and I believe that there are alternative ways to help those in need.
Firstly
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, when wealthy
countries
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 provide
money
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 to underdeveloped
countries
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, it will only be a short-term solution as
this
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 results in repeated problems. By providing financial assistance to underdeveloped nations it does not mean that the
money
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 reaches those in need. Corruption is more prominent in developing
countries
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. It is specifically well-known that the government and most administrations lend
money
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 for their own good.
Consequently
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, the poor will remain
empty handed
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empty-handed
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 after receiving foreign
aid
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.
Therefore
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, if the help given would be provided differently and adjusted correctly, there could be a difference.
Secondly
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, developed
countries
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 should provide other types of
aid
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.
For example
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, assisting with healthcare and
education
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 rather than just providing
just
Rephrase
apply
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financial
aid
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. It is proven that
education
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 leads to good decisions and that leads to finding a job.
This
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 helps to solve the nation’s unemployment problem and prevents people from committing crimes.
Moreover
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, healthcare, medicine and modern technology are necessary for people to survive and prevent diseases from spreading.
As a result
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, improving
education
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 and healthcare would be a long-term solution in preventing people from crimes and
misdemeanors
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misdemeanours
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. In conclusion, I believe that wealthy
countries
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 should provide basic economic
aid
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 including new technology, medication and proper
education
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 which will solve the problem of poverty than just lending
money
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 that does not reach the citizens in need.
Submitted by Estramarti9 on

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coherence cohesion
To strengthen the logical structure, ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that is expanded upon with further explanation or examples. Transitions can be used more effectively to enhance the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present, consider refining them by explicitly stating your opinion in the introduction and summarizing the main points more clearly in the conclusion.
coherience cohesion
Support your main points with a wider range of examples or data. This could include statistics, case studies, or more varied examples from different contexts.
task achievement
The response is complete, and the essay generally addresses the prompt well. However, to achieve a higher score, ensure that you are not just repeating the prompt's ideas but also adding substantial original thoughts and depth to the argument.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear and relevant to the topic, but to improve comprehensiveness, consider exploring potential counterarguments and rebutting them to show a more holistic understanding of the issue.
task achievement
Examples provided are relevant, but to get a higher score, ensure the examples are specific and detailed. Quantitative examples or specific real-world situations could strengthen your argument.
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