IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children of different ages and countries play computer games these days. Parents think these computer games have little educational value and have harmful effects on children. What is your opinion?

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It is stated that parents are getting more concerned with their kids playing
computer
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games
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.
Furthermore
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, they argue that
computer
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games
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 only give a small benefit of knowledge and might hurt their
children
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. In my personal opinion, I completely agree with the statement given, I acknowledge that
computer
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games
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 did not bring too much benefit to the kids. The lack of communication could
also
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 be a bad example of the long term of using
computer
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games
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. Because
children
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 who spend too much time on
computer
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games
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 rely on their
games
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 frequently, so when there is a social event, they tend to prioritize their
games
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.
Besides
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,
children
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 could lose good eyesight if they spend their time mostly in front of computers because whenever their eyes feel tired, they won'
t
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 surrender easily, and their ambitions drive them towards negative effects, as they keep on playing without seeing time go by. Back when I was younger, I had a friend who even had to seek a psychologist because they couldn'
t
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 leave their
computer
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 even for school. My friend's hand was always shaking and she could not focus on the school task at all, so even if her body was at school, her mind was not there. I don'
t
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 want the new generation to face the same problem as what my friend had to face when we were younger, because the process is hard, and it is terrifying to feel that way.
However
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, some people argue that
computer
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games
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 are entertaining for
children
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, it's
also
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 possible to make friends there. Even, some people could make money by playing
computer
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games
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 and staying online. I mean, at first
computer
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games
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 are not that bad, but if the
children
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 can'
t
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 change or are even too possessed by their
games
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,
then
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 it'll be hard for their parents to communicate with their
children
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 again. In conclusion,
computer
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games
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 have good value as well, as we can make online friends, learn a new language, and even receive wages if we are good enough to be gamers.
However
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, the negative impacts are many, as the
children
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 could have bad mental health and physical health.

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Introduction
Ensure that the introduction sets a clear tone for the essay by clearly stating your opinion on the topic.
Cohesion
Use a range of linking words and cohesive devices to enhance the flow of information and ideas.
Supporting Details
Develop main points more fully with specific examples and more detailed explanations to strengthen your argument.
Task Response
Present a balanced view by discussing opposing perspectives and providing specific examples to show understanding of the topic.
Grammar
Work on sentence structure variety to avoid monotony and keep the reader engaged throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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