IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The government should invest in education and health care. Governments should invest funds into tourism. To what extent do you agree with your statement?

#government #education #health #care #governments #funds #tourism
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I disagree with the idea that
governments
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 should invest more in
tourism
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 than in education and healthcare. There are several reasons for
this
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 finding. In
this
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 essay, I analyze and compare these reasons using specific examples.
First,
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it is necessary for
governments
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 to motivate young adults to become a
future
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 workforce in a country. To do so, it is important to place emphasis on helping those houses with less income.
For example
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, creating tuition funds for students with ability will help minimize the gap between the rich and the poor in the
future
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. By funding the people of ability when they are in need, they believe their country is a good society, and they will be more willing to work hard to contribute to the nation.
Second,
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it is crucial to decrease the number of preventable deaths,
such
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 as traffic accidents and cases of preventable life-associated diseases. To evaluate and analyze previous accident data and how to prevent obesity,
governments
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 should invest a certain amount of money in research institutes. In doing so, motivated researchers and analysts will encourage a better life for everyone.
Finally
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,
governments
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 should not place many public assets on
tourism
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. Rather, they should extract profits as a tax.
However
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, they should regulate the
tourism
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 system to ensure the safety and preservation of the natural environment. Preparation for the Olympics or the Expo is not an exception;
this
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 is a chance for the government to gain an extra amount of national income. In conclusion, it is necessary for the government to extract a certain amount of profit from
tourism
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 and invest those national assets in education and health care for the
future
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 workforce of the nation.
This
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 positive cycle will
mold
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mould
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 a better society in the
future
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.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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task achievement
Consider elaborating a bit more on your specific examples to enhance the clarity and depth of your arguments. Providing more detailed real-world instances can make your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
While your essay is cohesive, adding a few more transitional phrases between paragraphs and within them could help in making the flow of your argument even smoother.
coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a clear introduction and a strong conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
coherence cohesion
You have logically structured your essay with clear and coherent paragraphs, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
Your arguments are generally well-supported with relevant points, showcasing a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Investment: capital allocation towards a sector, often for development or improvement.
  • Long-term economic growth: sustainable increase in a country’s economic productivity over an extended period.
  • Knowledgeable workforce: employees who are well-educated and trained, capable of driving innovation.
  • Healthcare services: medical services, including prevention, treatment, and management of illnesses.
  • Economic sustainability: responsible management of resources to ensure long-term economic health.
  • Tourism: industry focusing on travel for leisure, which contributes to a nation's economic revenue.
  • External factors: variables outside of a country's control that can impact its economy or sectors.
  • Foundation: the base or groundwork upon which further development can be built.
  • Societal welfare: the well-being of a community in terms of health, education, and economic conditions.
  • Social equity: fairness and equality in access to opportunities and resources within a society.
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