IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

There are several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce, and money is the most important factor. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#factors #people #workforce #money #factor
There is no doubt that people stay employed
due to
 many factors, and money has been considered as the most essential reason to remain in the same occupation. Admittedly, I completely disagree with
this
 statement and I am going to elaborate on my perspective in the following paragraph. First and foremost, job satisfaction is considered to be a major contributor to office enthusiasm,
due to
 the fact that doing what you love makes your activities or
test
Correct subject-verb agreement
tests
show examples
 easier and more interesting.
In other words
, it provides you the feeling of pleasure, which can help you get rid of stress
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
in the workplace. Evidence of
this
 appears in my own life: my mother is an elementary school teacher and has been teaching English for over 30 years.
Although
 she only earned a little money, she took delight in it because she really
likes
Wrong verb form
liked
show examples
 to teach children and was
also
 highly respected by her students.
As a consequence
, satisfaction plays a significant role in putting more effort into performance.
Furthermore
, the atmosphere
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 area is
also
 one of the crucial causes to be in the workplace. Working with friendly colleagues and a
well
Correct word choice
good
show examples
 boss can boost employees' confidence and happiness because it creates a comfortable working environment without coworker pressure. A good illustration of
this
 is despite my workplace being extremely far from my home, my colleagues are so kind that I decided to stay and work with them.
Therefore
, people ignore unpleasant factors when they are working in a great team. In conclusion, cash indeed motivates a part of society to work.
However
, satisfaction and the working environment
also
 have an important impact that
influence
Change the verb form
influences
show examples
 them to be more productive.
Submitted by thesisabri on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Response
Make sure your essay has a clear position throughout, and keep your conclusion consistent with the introduction.
Task Response
Develop your main points fully. Each paragraph should clearly follow from the introductory sentences to the specific details and examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and transition words to improve the flow of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Pay attention to the logical structure, ensuring ideas transition smoothly from one to the next.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: