IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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It is ubiquitous that enhancing public
health
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, especially in
sport
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sports
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centres
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, is the best way to provide
health
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 infrastructure.
According to
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 the
supporter
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supporters
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 of
this
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 statement, advanced facilities in the
sport
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sports
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centres
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 are the greatest solution to changing
people
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's lifestyles.
In contrast
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, the
opposant
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opponents
opposite
 argue that allocating more funds
in
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to
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 new sports facilities
are
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is
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 a waste of
money
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.
This
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 essay will elaborate
these
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on these
show examples
 contrasting views and offer the writer's opinion.
To begin
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 with, every individual in
this
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 general public is not capable of affording to attend yoga
class
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classes
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 or joining
gym
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a gym
the gym
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 to maintain a healthy lifestyle. Spending
money
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 to open new public
health
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such
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 as
sport
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sports
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centres
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 is the best way to influence
people
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 to start closely engaging in physical activities.
In addition
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, nowadays the government is installing new equipment and facilities around the neighbourhood and city parks to catch public attention and bring them closer to inactive lifestyles.
Moreover
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, it can easily be achieved by the citizens without spending huge amounts of
money
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.
According to
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 the statistical data by the Ministry of
Health
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 Republic Indonesia, 10 public parks were launched in Malang
city
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City
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as
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apply
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followed by a lower level of obesity
by
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among
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 the citizens.
On the other hand
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, the
opposant
Correct your spelling
opponents
argue
Correct subject-verb agreement
argues
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 that allocating huge
money
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on
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to
show examples
 public
health
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unprovide
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unprovides
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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opportunities to maintain
people
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's lifestyles.
However
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, opening new public
centres
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 challenges
the
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apply
show examples
affordability and accessibility issues.
Moreover
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, the government should regulate
health
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programs
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,
such
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 as balanced diet
programs
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 and
health
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check up
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checkup
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programs
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 for the elderly with a wide range of medical problems. In short, enhancing public
health
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 and regulating
health
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programs
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 for the citizens contribute most
for
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to
show examples
 the
people
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's
health
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.

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coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, ensure your ideas follow a clear, logical progression. Start with an introduction that outlines the main points of discussion, followed by focused paragraphs that elaborate on these points, and conclude with a summary that encapsulates your argument.
coherence cohesion
For the introduction and conclusion, aim to provide a clear thesis statement and restate this in the conclusion along with a summary of your main points. Avoid introducing new ideas in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
When supporting main points, develop them with specific examples and explanations. Ensure that every main idea directly contributes to the overall argument of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure a complete response by addressing both views presented in the topic statement as well as providing your own opinion. Try to fully elaborate on how each view contributes to the discussion on public health.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on your ideas to make them comprehensive. Aim for each paragraph to focus on a single idea, supported by detailed examples and explanations.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your argument. Statistics, facts, and anecdotes can help illustrate your points more effectively.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • sports facilities
  • physical activity
  • exercise
  • chronic diseases
  • heart disease
  • obesity
  • inclusivity
  • participation
  • safe environment
  • social interaction
  • community engagement
  • comprehensive approach
  • health education programs
  • environmental factors
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • quality healthcare services
  • public health initiatives
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